


Rewrite the Stars

by myemergence



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bobby Nash Being a Dad, Coma, Firefam Feels, Found Family, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Tsunami (9-1-1)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-02-13 01:16:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 39,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21485938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myemergence/pseuds/myemergence
Summary: Buck is struggling with nightmares weeks after he has returned to work after the tsunami. He is struggling to sleep, and distancing himself from everyone-- most of all, Eddie.
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Maddie Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 170
Kudos: 977





	1. Chapter 1

“Daddy!” Eddie heard Christopher’s voice call from where he was putting away Christopher’s folded laundry in his room. His eyes silently taking in the neatly made bed along with the carefully placed stuffed animal that leaned against his pillows. A small smile tugged at the corners of Eddie’s lips as he picked up the lime green tyrannosaurus rex. After the tsunami, when Christopher had been struggling with the nightmares the most, Buck had given Eddie’s boy the t-rex.

“I’ll be out there in a minute, bud,” Eddie called out softly as he grabbed the empty laundry basket from his bed and made his way into the other room. Christopher was comfortably seated on the couch and looked up at his dad with a full smile. Eddie looked at his son affectionately, glad to see him happy. “What’s going on?”

“Do you think Buck will like it?” Christopher asked, handing his dad a folded piece of construction paper. Eddie took the orange card, flipping it open and looking at it carefully.

“I know that Buck will love it,” Eddie assured him.

Eddie and Christopher’s gaze both lifted as they heard the doorknob turn. Eddie handed the card back to Christopher. “I’ll be right back.” Eddie crossed the room in quick strides just as the front door swung open. Eddie smiled at the sight of Buck on the other side of the door jam, arms loaded to the hilt with brown grocery bags. A small smirk made its way to his lips. “Need a hand?”

Buck’s eyes flashed for the briefest moment, before shaking his head. “Nah, I’ve got it.” Eddie let out a small laugh before grabbing a couple of the bags and walking to the kitchen with Buck on his heels.

“You know you could have called me when you got here, I would have come out and helped you with the bags,” Eddie told Buck, the bags crinkling as he set them on the counter. Eddie closed in the space between them as Buck followed suit setting the bags from the market on the counter, their eyes meeting for a short moment. “After all, we are better as a team.”

“We are?” Buck barely got the words past his lips before Eddie’s hand brushed against his cheek and stopped when it reached the nape of his neck. Eddie ran his thumb in a slow circular motion along Buck’s neck. Buck internalized a groan at the touch, instantly reacting to Eddie’s soft touch. Their lips met in unison, sharing a slow kiss. Eddie dropped his hand against Buck’s firm chest, breaking the kiss.

“We are,” Eddie said, his voice barely above a whisper as Buck leaned his forehead against Eddie’s, practicing restraint when that was the absolute last thing that he wanted. Both men took the moment to collect themselves before Eddie took a small step back. “Hey, Christopher?” Eddie called softly. “Can you come here?”

Buck busied himself with beginning to unload the groceries to divert his attention from Eddie. Buck heard the familiar sound of Christopher’s braces against the hardwood floors as he made his way into the kitchen. “Christopher!” Buck spoke with excitement as he came into sight, an immediate smile in place on Christopher’s face, mirroring Buck’s.

“Buck, I have something for you.” Buck caught sight of something orange in Christopher’s hand. Christopher shifted most of his weight onto his left brace, handing the homemade card to Buck.

“This is for me?” Buck asked, glancing up from the card to meet Christopher’s gaze as Eddie moved to stand behind his little boy. Across the front of the card in a child’s handwriting ‘Welcome home Buck’ was scrawled in colorful letters. Buck gave a half-smile as he opened the card, his mouth slightly ajar. “Christopher…”

“You don’t like it?” The little boy asked, seeing the tears that had welled in Buck’s eyes as he read the inside of the card. Eddie moved a hand to Christopher’s shoulder from behind, giving it a gentle squeeze.

Buck quickly shook his head in disagreement. “No, no… that’s not it at all.” He assured, crouching down to Christopher’s level to meet his eye. “I love it,” Buck promised, embracing the little boy and glancing up at Eddie through glistening eyes. After another moment there, Buck rose to his feet.

“See? I told you.” Eddie told Christopher, gently tousling the curls on the top of his head.

Buck stood in silence for another moment, his eyes looking down at the card that he held. The inside of the card read, ‘We love you, Daddy Buck. Love, Christopher’. A drawing of a little boy, two men, and a green dinosaur. Buck glanced up from the card, taking in the sight of Eddie and Christopher. “I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you both,” Buck said, his eyes moving between Eddie and Christopher. One arm enveloped Christopher, leaving a kiss on the top of his head while with his other arm he reached for Eddie. Eddie was at his side in an instant wrapping an arm around Buck’s waist, drawing him closer. In his life, Buck had never felt so complete.

Buck heard a beep that started off soft, increasing with intensity with each beep. He took a small step, glancing at Christopher and Eddie. Eddie searched Buck’s face, noticing the look on his face. “Buck, are you okay?”

“Y-yeah… everything is fine. It is just that beeping sound. What is that?”

“Beeping sound?” Eddie asked, confusion showing clearly across his face as his brows furrowed ever so slightly.

“You don’t hear that?” Buck’s confused eyes searching Eddie’s. As the beeping continued, Buck blinked quickly as though trying to push the noise away.

“Babe, are you okay?” Eddie asked, concerned now. Buck stood in silence, looking at where Christopher stood only moments before. Only all he saw now in place of where the boy had stood were Christopher’s glasses with the attached red band. “Buck.”

“Christopher!”

**

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Buck quickly sat up in bed at the sound of his alarm going off. He let out a quick breath. “Well, that was new,” Buck muttered to himself barely above a whisper, running fingers through his hair as he sat up in bed. Ever since the tsunami a couple of months prior, Buck had been plagued with regular nightmares involving losing Chris in the tides. The panic of those moments, the feeling of loss, of grief when he thought that Christopher was lost for good, the guilt of taking Christopher away from Eddie… those feelings had never left him. They were just pushed down far enough beneath the surface that he wouldn’t need to talk to anyone about them.

But now he was dreaming about being together with Eddie romantically. Which did nothing but further confuse Buck. He let out one more breath before rolling out of bed. He didn’t have time to try to dissect what this dream meant, as it was nothing like the others. He needed to get ready for his shift at the firehouse. The firehouse where he would be face to face with the real Eddie Diaz. Not the Eddie from his dream that he had kissed and had made his heart race. But Eddie Diaz, his best friend.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Used prompt # 49 from prompt-bank’s Drabble Challenge over on Tumblr. I also don’t think it heeds warning, but there is swearing in this chapter (and likely every chapter if I’m the one writing it)

Buck quickly slammed the door to his jeep shut as he arrived at the firehouse for his shift. In the midst of his dream turned nightmare from the previous night, he began to wake up nearly 25 minutes after his alarm had initially sounded. He knew the importance of arriving at the firehouse on time. He lowered his eyes to glance at his watch, rounding the corner to enter the building. 8:06.

“Oh, look who’s decided to join us,” Chim spoke as he spotted the younger firefighter entering the house.

Buck fought back the desire to roll his eyes at Chimney. “Can we not do this right now?” Chim held his hands up in submission, letting it slide.

Hen made her way over to Chimney and Buck, slapping Buck lightly on the shoulder. “Hey, Cap wants to see you upstairs.” With a look of resignation, Buck gave a small nod of his head before making his way up the steps to the kitchen of the firehouse where Captain Bobby Nash could be found the majority of the time.

“Morning Cap.”

“Buck.” Bobby studied Buck in silence for a short beat. “I could use some help getting breakfast ready this morning. Do you mind?”

A laugh escaped Buck’s lips before he was able to stop it. “You called me up here because you want me to help you cook? And then feed this meal to the rest of the firehouse that needs to be out there saving lives?” Bobby raised an eyebrow silently at Buck’s reaction, telling him that was exactly what he wanted. “Okay, what do you need me to do?”

“Can you carefully chop those veggies? The knife is right over there.” Bobby motioned. “We’re going to make some omelets.”

“Yeah, yeah I can do that,” Buck spoke after a brief pause, grabbing the knife and making his way over to the cutting board. He grabbed a green pepper to start with. Looking down he carefully cut the top of the pepper off. “Good news is if something does go awry, I know a good EMT or two.” Buck joked, expecting to at least get a small laugh out of the quip. But the corner of Bobby’s mouth barely lifted, hinting at a smile.

“Is everything okay, Buck?”

Buck paused for a moment before responding to his Captain, carefully slicing the pepper. “Bobby, if this is about me being late this morning-”

“That’s part of it.” Captain Nash admitted with a small nod of his head. “But there is more going on than oversleeping, isn’t there?”

Buck exhaled. “I’m not sure what you mean, Cap.”

“Exactly what it sounded like..” Bobby told Buck, chopping red potatoes for a moment before stopping and setting the knife down atop the cutting board. “Is there anything that you need to talk about?”

“No, there’s nothing.”

“Then we have ourselves a problem.” The older man spoke, watching as Buck set down his knife as well, turning to his Captain with a furrowed brow.

“I-I don’t understand. How exactly is it a problem that I don’t have anything to talk about? That there isn’t anything going on that I need to discuss?”

“Since you returned to duty five weeks ago you have been late a total of 7 times.” Bobby began, “I know that coming back to the firehouse has been an adjustment. Maybe it’s been too much, too soon.”

“Bobby, no. It’s not that at all. I am ready to be back here, I-I need to be back here.” Buck pleaded with a desperate intensity to his tone.

“Then let’s talk.” He said simply. “Grab a seat.” Bobby motioned to the table, washing his hands before moving to the table and sitting down. He watched Buck follow suit before he sat across from him at the table. “The truth. What is going on?”

Buck exhaled heavily as he ran his hands over his face, trying to gather his thoughts before talking to his Captain. Maybe he could make something up to satisfy him. But, if he didn’t buy it he could be causing even more damage and that was the last thing that he needed. It had taken Buck long enough to get cleared to return to the firehouse. Those months away while he was in recovery had been agonizing. “I’ve just-- I’ve been having a hard time sleeping.” There was a long pause as Buck waited for Bobby to say something. But he said nothing, just kept his eyes intent on Buck as he listened. “Since the tsunami.” He added, lowering his blue eyes to his eyes that rested uncomfortably in his lap. He had been doing such a good job keeping his emotions at bay, keeping everything in check over the last two months. And after last night of all nights, now he had to be dragging out his emotional baggage for Bobby.

“Have you seen anyone about this?”

“It’s not that serious, Bobby. I just haven’t been getting enough sleep. “ Buck promised.

“It’s not that simple. This isn’t you just strolling in late to an office job. You not being able to make it here on time, it affects people other than just you. It affects every single person in this firehouse. Especially the two times that we had to leave for a call down one because you weren’t here.”

Buck ran his hands through his hair roughly. “I know.” He carefully studied the table, running his thumb along the grain of the wood. “It’s just- since the tsunami, I’ve-” He let out a barely discernible sigh. “I’ve been having these nightmares, okay?”

“You went through hell and back during the tsunami. It’s normal to struggle.” Bobby told him, “But this is more than struggling just a little bit, isn’t it?” Buck nodded silently, his eyes still focused on the table as he felt his eyes welling with tears. He was not going to do this. He was not going to let him in, he was not going to cry in front of his Captain. But what if he didn’t let him in and Bobby took action because he wasn’t performing the way that he had been before his injury and before the tsunami? What if his entire career went up in flames over this?

“Every. Single. Night.” Buck spoke barely above a whisper, his voice breaking. “Every single night I have to relive the most terrifying moments of my life. Of losing Christopher. Of-of thinking, and believing that Christopher had died. For hours, not knowing what happened. After Eddie trusted me to take care of him.”

Bobby looked at him then, taking the time to really see him. The kid had been carrying this guilt with him for months now, never taking the time to deal with those feelings so that he was able to move past them. “Buck, what happened that day was not your fault. It was a natural disaster. You saved countless lives, including Christopher.”

Buck shook his head silently, wiping a stray tear away. “Okay, I saved him. And then I lost him.”

Realizing that he wasn’t getting anywhere, Bobby drummed his fingers on the tabletop. “You’re going to start seeing someone about this. A therapist.”

“Bobby, I -”

“This isn’t up for discussion. You either start seeing someone and actually deal with what happened during the tsunami, or you will be on desk duty indefinitely.”

“Bobby! This is so unfair.”

“You are going down a very dangerous path. I have been down that road, and let me tell you that the things that I went through trying to drown out the nightmares nearly killed me.” Bobby had spent years trying to bury those memories. He had tried using alcohol and drugs to make him forget. To keep the nightmares at bay. He would go on benders and wake up not even knowing where he was, or how he had gotten there in the first place.

“But I’m not you. And it’s not fair for you to punish me for your struggles.”

“You’re right, you’re not me. But I am your Captain, and either you start seeking help to get past this, or you’ll be on probation and moved to desk duty. I am not willing to risk and see what happens next, Buck.” Bobby paused briefly, letting his words sit with the young firefighter. “So what’s it gonna be?”

Buck met Bobby’s gaze for the first time in several minutes, letting out a shaky breath. “You’re not really leaving me a choice here, Cap.” Buck’s eyes lowered, as though he needed to prepare himself for the next words. “I’ll get help.”

**

“Maddie said I might find you here,” Eddie said as he approached Buck at the bar, taking in the sight of him. He sat alone at the bar with a beer in his hand, taking a long pull from it before setting it down on the bartop.

“Good to know that Maddie is sending status reports on my whereabouts to the team.” Buck turned his body ever so slightly, his striking blue eyes meeting Eddie’s with a hazy gaze.

“Don’t be an idiot,” Eddie said before turning to the bartender and ordering himself a water. He turned his attention back to Buck. “Abuela is hanging out with Christopher tonight. Which is a good thing, since you clearly need a designated driver to get you home tonight.”

“I d’ not need a designated driver to get home.” Buck rolled his eyes ever so slightly, a faint slur to his voice.

“Safety first.”

He stopped for a brief moment and then let out a mocking laugh. “What are you? FIVE?”

“Buck, don’t be a dumbass.” Eddie’s eyebrow arched slightly. “Obviously you are the five-year-old in this scenario. I’m at least eight.” Buck let out an easy laugh, shaking his head as he brought the beer back up to his lips. “So… are you going to tell me what is so serious that you are at the bar, drinking alone?”

The younger man gave a slight shrug of his shoulder at the question. “Nothing is serious. I just didn’t want to sit at home by myself tonight.”

“So instead, you’re sitting at the bar, alone tonight?” Eddie challenged.

“I really don’t feel like going another round today.” He spoke flatly. “But I could go for another round.” Buck waved over the bartender, flashing a smile. “Can I get two shots of Jack?”

“Sure, I’ll add it to your tab, Buck.” The blond bartender lined up two shot glasses and filled them with whiskey before sending a pearly smile his way. It was not lost on Eddie that not only had Buck been there long enough to have a tab open, but the bartender was on a first-name basis with him.

“So the bartender knows you by name.”

Buck ignored Eddie’s statement and slid one of the shot glasses in front of him. “Have a shot with me, Eddie.”

“I am not having a shot with you. Let’s go.”

“You are such a buzzkill, man. But suit yourself, more for me.” Buck easily finished the first shot before setting it back down on the top of the bar.

“Come on, Evan.” Eddie’s hands balled ever so slightly into fists, crossing them tightly over his chest. Buck was being completely impossible. He glanced at the bartender and leaned in, asking for Buck’s tab. He slid his card across the bar silently. The move went unnoticed as Buck lifted the second shot glass, moving it between his fingers.

“Aw c’mon man, are you sure you don’t want this?” Eddie didn’t need to say anything, because the frown that he was wearing did all of the talking for him. Buck shrugged, quickly downing the shot.

“Alright, that’s enough. Let’s go.” Eddie grabbed his best friend lightly by the elbow, trying to move him into an upright position. Buck stumbled slightly but was able to move himself upright, with Eddie’s guidance. “That’s it,” Eddie assured him, sliding Buck’s arm over his shoulder to help support him as they made their way out to Eddie’s truck. It took Eddie a few moments to get Buck in the truck and safely buckled in.

Not two minutes into the drive Eddie could hear Buck’s breathing slow down. As he reached the stop sign closest to his house, he glanced over at Buck, his brow furrowed with concern. It wasn’t that he’d never seen Buck drunk before, he had more times than he could count. They’d gone out countless nights and thrown some beers back, played darts, and talked about life working for the 118. But this was different. Buck hadn’t called him to meet for drinks. He had gone to the bar essentially as a welfare check, at Maddie’s request. She was worried about her little brother, and she knew from experience that he wouldn’t talk to her.

Eddie shifted the truck into park as they pulled into his driveway. “Whatever the hell is going on in that head of yours, it’s going to hurt like a bitch in the morning.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck wakes up at Eddie's place, struggling to remember the night before.

Moving a passed out Buck from the seat of Eddie’s truck and into the empty house had been quite a feat. Eddie had then taken the time to make up the couch for the younger man before helping him to lay down on a pillow, gently pulling a fleece throw over him until it covered his shoulder. He had no idea how much Buck had actually had to drink tonight, but what he did know was that the tab he’d paid at the bar had been $97. He had seen Buck drink so many times, and not once had he perceived that it was out of control. This was a side of Buck that he’d never seen before. Eddie let out a slow breath, looking around the dimly lit house. He made his way down the hallway to his bedroom, undressing from the day and slipping into a pair of navy joggers. He pulled a worn-in t-shirt over his head, looking to the comfort of his bed longingly. He stood there, considering it for the briefest moment. Instead, he made his way silently back out to the living room to Buck, grabbing a blanket from the closet on his way to the chair. 

If there was one thing that he had gotten good at over the years, being a caretaker was it. Maybe it had come from being a medic or being thrust into single fatherhood. But Eddie could barely recall what it was like to be selfish. Although Buck hadn’t said anything to him, or even asked for help, it was clear to Eddie that Buck was in some sort of trouble. Eddie stifled a yawn as he tried to get comfortable, his elbow resting on the arm of the chair before propping his head on top of his hand. Eddie dozed off, with worries of Buck clouding his mind. 

**

Buck woke up with a start, moving upright in one swift motion. “Son of a bitch.” His heart was racing, but he took a couple of slow breaths, calming himself. His mind pushing away the images from his nightmare and instead focusing on the fact that it felt like someone had drilled into the side of his skull. His eyes remained closed for another long moment, moving his hand over the back of his neck, trying to work the kinks out. The throbbing in his head had distracted him, just now realizing that he was not waking from his bed, or even his couch. His eyes opened reluctantly, a pained look crossing his features.

“He lives.” Eddie joked as he walked into the living room, glass of water and aspirin in hand. “Here.” He held the glass and medicine out to Buck, waiting for him to take them. Buck groaned as Eddie spoke to him, wordlessly taking what he was offering, slowly swallowing the pills and hoping for instantaneous relief. 

“How the hell did I get here?” Buck croaked out loud, surprised to hear his own voice. He lowered his eyes for a moment, trying to rack his brain for his last memories of the night before. He’d worked his shift at the firehouse, and then what had he done with the rest of the night?

“Oh, you mean you don’t remember?” Eddie challenged. “Maybe because you got blackout drunk?” 

“Bro, no.” Buck shook his head slightly, waiting for his head to clear. “I just had a couple of rounds with Chim and Maddie. And then-”

“And then they left, and you stayed and got blackout drunk?” Eddie suggested slowly. “Look, I made some food. C’mon.” Eddie didn’t wait for an answer, Buck practically dragged his feet as he followed behind Eddie. As he trailed behind, Buck pulled out his phone, checking his text messages and calls. 

“I appreciate you doing this, Eddie. For letting me crash here.” Buck spoke sincerely. Eddie shrugged at him wordlessly, indicating that it was no big deal. “But I’ve got some calls I have to return--”

“The Cap? Maddie?” 

“Yeah.” Buck stretched out the word slowly. Looking down at the plate of food that Eddie had prepared, his stomach turning. He did appreciate all Eddie had done for him, but he also felt the need to put some space between himself and Eddie. Eddie was still his friend, his _ best friend_, but things had just been different over the weeks since the tsunami. And it wasn’t Eddie, it was Buck. Buck didn’t want to burden Eddie, he’d already done enough to him. 

“Maddie called me this morning. She said to give her a call later on - she just wants to know how you’re doing. No rush.” 

“Okay, but Bobby…” Buck trailed off slowly, using a fork to push around the eggs on his plate. 

“He’ll be here soon to pick you up.” Eddie let out a slow laugh then. “Maybe I should call Cap and have him come over now, instead. You know, that way you have some edible food.”

Buck shook his head. “No, no it’s not that. The food is fine.”

“Fine?” Eddie arched his eyebrow very slightly, a small smirk playing on his lips. “Fine is what you say when someone asks you how your day has been, and it’s been total shit.”

“No, no…. Not fine. It’s, uh, good. Great, even.” Buck scrambled for the words, his hangover seriously clouding his thoughts. Normally Buck was pretty quick to think, but he just felt exhausted and struggling just to keep himself upright. He pushed the food around his plate for Eddie’s benefit.

“It’s fine, man.” Eddie laughed out loud. “I’m just busting your balls.” Buck shook his head ever so slightly, forcing a forkful of food into his mouth. Eddie continued to watch Buck intently, even though he was joking around. There were some things he wanted to talk to Buck about. But he seemed so distant. And Eddie wondered what it was going to take to reach him.

“So, why’s Bobby picking me up? I can have Mads pick me up and drop me off at home.” Buck spoke through a slightly furrowed brow. After his most recent conversation with Bobby at the firehouse, Buck hoped that he hadn’t disclosed any information to Eddie. They were a fire family, after all, but there were things that he couldn’t have Eddie knowing. Eddie had been through enough with losing Shannon, and then finding out from his best friend that his son was probably dead. He had enough worry on his plate with being a single, full-time working dad. He deserved a little relief.

“Uh, he said something about taking you to some offsite training?” Eddie told him before shrugging slightly. He hadn’t questioned it when he spoke to the Cap. But now, sitting here and talking about things with Buck, it didn’t make sense that Buck wouldn’t know about it. It very well could have been that Buck was hungover and not thinking clearly, and he’d just forgotten. Eddie’s thoughts were interrupted as he heard a knock on the door. “Speak of the devil.” Eddie smiled, making his way to the door to let Captain Nash in. “Hey Cap, you hungry? There’s plenty of food left since Sleeping Beauty over here has barely taken three bites.’

“I appreciate the offer, Eddie. But I just got done eating with Athena and Harry.” Bobby smiled before turning to Buck. “We’ve got to head out in a few minutes. Is there anything you need to grab on the way out?” 

Buck shook his head, setting the fork down on his plate. “No, I’ve just got my phone and keys. I do need to stop home quick for a change of clothes before… training.” He paused for a moment before walking his plate to the sink. “I’m going to pop outside quick to give Maddie a call. I’ll meet you outside?” Bobby nodded in response, turning to Eddie as the front door closed.

“So when are you going to tell me what is actually going on with him?” Eddie spoke after a pause, his eyes glancing briefly at the closed front door. 

“Eddie. It’s not that simple.”

“Cap, no offense- but you didn’t see him last night. Something is wrong and it is tearing him apart.”

“I--I know. I’m trying to help him. Give me the chance to try, let him try to work through this on his own.”

“Oh, like he did last night? Completely shit-faced. I barely got him back here, Cap. Whatever is going on with him is serious. And he is drowning those worries with alcohol.” Eddie paused, running a hand roughly over his face. “And I feel like I’m losing him.”

“We’re not going to lose him. I know there is a lot going on with him, and I’m going to help him get to the bottom of it. We’ll get him back.” Bobby placed a hand on Eddie’s shoulder in reassurance. Eddie sighed, wanting to trust Bobby. He’d never led the team astray before. But it was hard to feel the shift in their friendship, he felt like he was losing Buck and he didn’t know what to do to stop it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments & criticism welcome!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck struggles with a tough call at work.

It had been a week since Buck’s conversation with Bobby. The one where he had been given an ultimatum to deal with the tsunami, or face repercussions at work. It had been six days since he had gotten blackout drunk, and Eddie had taken him back to his place to crash for the night. And five days since Bobby drove him to his first therapy session. In the days since, Buck had put all of his energy during the days in shutting out any thoughts of the tsunami, focusing instead on each emergency that the 118 faced.

The morning had been especially gruesome. A head-on collision with a few casualties, followed by a fire in an apartment building downtown where they’d been able to get everyone out in time, except for a seven-year-old boy that died on the scene. _ Christopher. _That had been Buck’s immediate thought, unable to blink the vision of a lifeless Chris away as he worked on the lifeless kid at the scene. Losing anyone on a call was hard, but losing a kid was always especially hard on the team, causing the ride back in the fire engine to be a quiet one.

The wordless exchange between Captain Nash and Eddie was completely missed by Buck. “You alright, kid?” It was Bobby’s voice that broke through. Buck let out a slow breath as he was mentally brought back to the present, a hand moving in one swift motion to wipe away the tears that had worked their way down his cheek.

“Yeah, Cap,” Buck answered quickly, thankful that they had arrived back at the station. He made his way off the engine in an instant and into the firehouse.

“Hey Buckaroo--” Hen was stopped abruptly when Buck moved past her, his strides long. 

This was supposed to be his escape. This was supposed to be the one time of the day that he didn’t have to struggle with the vivid nightmares that he had been plagued with for weeks. And instead, they had crashed into him today at that call, so hard and so fast that he felt disoriented. He didn’t know what to do.

Hen watched the younger firefighter in silence, seeing him drop to the bench, hands immediately running through his hair in a harsh movement. She closed the distance between them, leaning her shoulder against the door jam to the team’s lockers, his back to her. Clearly, he was unaware of her presence, so she stepped forward and gently placed a hand on his shoulder. “Buck.”

“Hen.” Buck tensed slightly at her touch. “Does Cap need me? I just needed a second.” He cleared his throat. As he was about ready to rise to his feet, Hen joined him on the bench.

“He doesn’t need you,” She assured him. “But I feel like maybe you need someone right now.”

Buck’s stomach tensed at her words, closing his eyes in an attempt to push his emotions aside. “Hen, I appreciate it… really, I do-”

“But you’re fine?” Hen finished for him, turning her body slightly so that she was looking at him. “I think we both know that’s not the truth. Do you want to know how I know?” Buck allowed a small shrug. “Humor me.” She requested, a barely-there smile lifting the corner of her lips when Buck lifted his gaze.

“How do you know, Hen?”

“Because ever since you joined this firehouse with your puppy dog eyes, and amped up sex drive-” She stopped as a laugh escaped her lips, remembering Buck so vividly as a rookie. “You have brought such a light and energy to this firehouse.” She paused, noticing that Buck was actually looking at her now. “It was hard for all of us when you were out with your injury, and then the tsunami hit.”

It wasn’t lost on Hen that Buck averted his eyes at the mention of the tsunami, as if it was some secret that he was ashamed of. “I thought we were talking about the call today.”

“That’s part of it,” Hen admitted with a small nod. “But Buck, you haven’t been the same since you returned. The firehouse hasn’t been the same. You won’t talk to anybody. You have so many walls up that we need the jaws of life just to get a peek inside at the damage.”

“I didn’t think it was noticeable,” Buck admitted quietly.

“It is.” Hen assured him. “But what I don’t understand is, what is different this time? Through everything else you have always turned to us- your _family_. Why are you pushing us all away?”

“Eddie.” Before Buck could stop it, Eddie’s name slipped easily past his lips. “Eddie trusted me with Chris for one day, and I couldn’t keep him safe. He is my best friend and it sucks having to push him away. To have to keep space between us. But we have to come here every day and work with each other, have each other’s backs. He has been through enough without adding all of this extra baggage.”

“Eddie trusted you with Chris, and he came home safely.” Hen reminded him softly. “There were so many things that you couldn’t control out there. And I’m sure this one conversation with me isn’t going to change how you feel. But you need to know that you’re not in this alone.” Buck remained silent, simply nodding his head. “So you’re meeting us for dinner and drinks tonight, 7 sharp.”

“What? No.”

“Seven. Sharp.” Hen repeated before patting him gently on the shoulder, glancing at the clock on the wall. “I have to go, Denny has an appointment. We’ll pick you up at your apartment at 6:30.”

**

Buck glanced at the clock on the wall for the fifth time in no more than fifteen minutes and let out a sigh. He really wished that Hen had told him to meet them out, at least that way he could just pretend that he was going to meet them and somehow forgot. He brought the beer to his lips silently when he heard a knock on his door. “Hen, this is not 6:30!” He called out with a small shake of his head, noticing that it was only 6:15. He set the beer down on the countertop before making his way to the door and pulling it open. “E-Eddie.”

“Happy to see you too, bro,” Eddie said, slapping him lightly on the shoulder as Buck stepped aside, letting Eddie in.

“It’s not that,” Buck assured him. “Hen told me that they’d be stopping to pick me up.”

Eddie grabbed the half-empty beer from the counter and took a long swallow before dumping the rest of it down the sink. “And you would have been okay with me picking you up?”

“Eddie, you’re my best friend. Of course, I would have been fine with that.”

Eddie was silent for a long pause, nodding his head. Although he knew that wasn’t the case, he also knew that if he challenged Buck on it now that he wouldn’t be coming. “We’d better head out.” Buck obliged as he tied his shoes before the two men made their way out to Eddie’s truck. “Your chariot awaits.” Buck rolled his eyes at the comment, hopping into the passenger side of the truck. Only a moment later Eddie was pulling away from the curb and onto the road. “You know, for you calling me your best friend you’ve been doing a really good job avoiding me lately.”

“Eddie…” Buck drummed his fingers anxiously against his knee, glancing in his friend’s direction. “I haven’t been avoiding you.”

“No? It must be my imagination, then.” Eddie spoke, glancing at Buck for a brief moment while he turned the corner before moving his eyes back to the road. “The unanswered text messages, the phone calls that haven’t been returned, you finding any reason to leave the room when we’re at the firehouse together and not on a call. All of those things must have been my imagination.” 

Buck let out a jagged breath at his words, the truth in Eddie’s accusations painful. “Eddie, I really don’t think that we should be doing this right now.” His fingers continued their nervous drumming against his knee. “You’re driving and need to be paying attention, and we’re going to end up being late to dinner.” 

“You’re right, I shouldn’t be distracted while I’m driving.” In an instant, Eddie turned his directional on, pulling over to the shoulder of the road. He pulled his phone out a moment later. “I’ll text Athena and let her know we’re going to be late. I’m sure she’ll understand.” Eddie turned off the ignition, unbuckling his seatbelt as his eyes moved to study Buck. “All distractions are gone. So, let’s talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled a bit with this chapter, but it's slowly coming together. As always, future prompts and comments are welcome.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck arrives at Bobby and Athena's after the uncomfortable drive with Eddie.

Athena joined Bobby in the kitchen, refilling her glass of wine before placing it on the counter. The entire 118 family was there, with the exception of Buck and Eddie. She brought the stemless glass to her lips, taking a slow sip. “Hey there, Captain.” She snaked an arm around his waist. “Is there anything you need help with out here?”

“No, I think I’ve got everything under control in the kitchen. Everything should be ready here in about ten minutes.” He assured her, leaning forward to press an easy kiss against her lips. 

“And what about our missing dinner guests?” Athena asked, her eyebrow arching slightly. “Will they be here in ten minutes?”

Bobby sighed. “I haven’t heard anything from them.”

Athena looked to her husband expectantly. “Do you think-” Her words stopped short as she heard a banging on the front door. “Alright, you don’t need to bang the door down.” She shook her head as she made the way to the door, opening it. “Buck, you know better than to be pounding on my door like some sort of maniac.” Athena scolded in a motherly tone as she opened the door. Buck looked at her sheepishly for the briefest moment before giving her a small hug, silently shuffling into the house. Athena’s eyes followed Buck, noticing that the usually sociable Buck wasn’t talking to anyone. He made his way inside and immediately filled a glass of wine. 

“Hey Buck,” Athena trailed him as she closed the front door. “Weren’t you riding with Eddie?”

A small laugh escaped Buck’s lips then. “Seems everyone knew that I would be riding with Eddie.” He paused as he leaned closer to Athena, taking a long sip of the white wine, “except for _me. _” Confusion clouded Athena’s face briefly, and as she was getting ready to speak, Buck continued. “Not to worry, the white knight is out there parking the truck. He’ll be in any second.” He said, stepping away from Athena and making his way deeper into the house. 

Athena pursed her lips together in thought, watching as Bobby turned the burner off on the stove. “Bobby…” His name came out slow, as though it were a question before she continued. “What exactly did Buck mean by that?” Athena’s eyes followed Bobby as Eddie made entry into the house.

“Apparently Hen convinced Buck to come for dinner and drinks tonight, and Buck was under the impression that Hen would be picking him up.” Bobby turned the front burner of the stove off, moving the pan to another burner before turning his full attention to his wife. “My understanding is that Eddie talked to Hen and told her that he could swing by Buck’s.”

Athena frowned. “And nobody thought they should tell Buck about the change of plans. With everything that boy has had going on, Bobby.” She scolded quietly.

Bobby opened his mouth to speak, but it was Eddie’s voice he heard instead. “I told Hen that I’d let Buck know.” He stood there awkwardly as the couple turned to face him. “It was my plan, apparently, _ my awful plan, t_o get through to Buck. But he won’t talk to me, and nobody else wants to fill me in on what is going on, so I felt like I had to do something.”

“So you thought that a bait and switch would make him open up to you?” Athena shook her head at them, they were all so completely clueless sometimes. “What he needs is a little bit of honesty and understanding. To know that he isn’t alone.” She moved closer to Bobby then, only able to imagine the scene that might have unraveled between Eddie and Buck had he felt deceived. Her eyes locked on her husband’s, she spoke quietly. “Fix this.” 

**

Buck glanced into the dining room, seeing that most of the crew was seated there. The last thing that he wanted to do after sitting uncomfortably in the truck with Eddie was talking with everyone else, as though everything was fine. He felt the need to put space between himself and Eddie. They all thought that they had him figured out and that it was so simple, most of all Eddie. He had made it clear when he was going through his injury, that he needed to just suck it up and deal with it. He couldn’t see any reason why Eddie would think differently in this situation. 

As a whole, they seemed to think that they all had it figured out. If they said or did the right thing, that Buck would just go back to his normal self. But it wasn’t that simple. He silently stepped down the stairs and made his way outside onto the back patio.

“Well, this is fun.” He muttered, seating himself in one of the chairs, bringing the wine glass to his lips and taking several long sips before setting it down on the table beside him. He leaned his head back, propping it against the wall behind him and closing his eyes. Normally he enjoyed coming to Bobby and Athena’s. Any opportunity for a hearty home-cooked meal and good company. And yet these days he felt an insurmountable distance between him and everyone else on the team. Bobby included. They were his family in every way that mattered, and yet he couldn’t find it in him to truly open up. He had only opened up to Bobby at all because his job was at stake, and he couldn’t risk losing that again. 

“Hey, Buck,” Bobby said quietly so as not to startle Buck, who was clearly lost in his own thoughts and shutting out the rest of the world. “Dinner’s ready.”

The younger man couldn’t find it in him to fake a smile as he opened his eyes, the exhaustion of the day finally hitting him. “You guys can go ahead without me, I’m not hungry.”

Bobby nodded his head as he took the seat beside Buck. “Understandable.” He paused, searching for the right words to say. Clearly the way that he had approached things before hadn’t been the right way, and what he and the others in the 118 had said to him had done nothing but further isolate Buck.

They all had good intentions, but guilt was a complicated monster. Bobby knew from experience that guilt couldn’t be melted away so simply. He had lived with a guilt that was so heavy that it swallowed him whole for years, sending him into a downward spiral. “So, I’ve been thinking, Buck.”

Buck was silent, but out of something akin to obligation his tired eyes moved to Bobby’s, as he finished off the glass of wine. “I was thinking that maybe my approach to this situation, it hasn’t been the best.”

Buck laughed quietly. “I’m not really sure that there is a best way, Cap.”

“You’re right, there isn’t. But holding your job as a firefighter as leverage over you, that definitely wasn’t it." Bobby admitted, before adding. “I do think that it’s important that you talk to someone, but the way that I approached it was unfair.

“I am all too familiar with feelings of guilt, and sometimes I think that I see too many similarities between my situation and how I reacted, and the way that you’re reacting to the tsunami and almost losing Chris. And if I’m being perfectly honest, it scares the hell out of me.”

“Bobby, I--” 

“Hear me out, kid,” Bobby requested, clearing his throat before he continued. “I was an addict who was in pain, making terrible decisions daily, hiding things from the people that cared about me the most. I used to hide the pain that I was in so that they wouldn’t take the job away from me when I couldn’t deal with the physical pain that I was in. And then I used, and passed out in my apartment with a heater that malfunctioned, and -” His voice broke, raising vulnerable eyes to Buck’s. “And my family died, Buck. For years I carried all of the guilt of that night with me. All of the blame for what happened falling on me. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I finally began to accept that, yes, my decisions didn't help, but it was still an accident. There were other factors like the building not being up to code, a heater that wasn’t working properly. And placing all of the guilt and blame on myself, it didn’t help anyone. It didn’t bring them back, or help me to be a better firefighter and save people, or change any of what happened.”

“It had the opposite effect. I drank and used more than ever and, for a long time, it made being a firefighter almost impossible.” Buck watched Bobby closely as he dredged up his old feelings and painful past for his benefit, a sullen look across Buck’s otherwise attractive features. “I would go to calls and even though I was glad that we saved them, deep down I was so angry at myself for not being able to save my own family. That the actions that I was making would never change what happened in the past. Going into fires I would have flashbacks to the fire that Marcy and the kids died in, the complete feeling of helplessness and complete earth-shattering fear. And those feelings, they swallowed me whole all of the time. So I tried shoving them down, with alcohol and drugs, and when I could, the job.”

“Bobby.” Buck opened his mouth to speak again, but after speaking Bobby’s name he wasn’t able to form a single coherent word. He felt hot tears falling steadily down his cheeks, and didn’t bother wiping them away or trying to hide the emotions that were overwhelming him.

“It’s okay, Buck.” Bobby soothed in a fatherly tone, reaching a hand over to his shoulder and gently squeezing, letting him know that he was there. 

Buck’s body shook as sobs overtook his body. He sobbed because it was at that moment that he realized that maybe there was someone in his world that _did _understand what he was feeling. It was such an overwhelming feeling and being vulnerable in that moment, it was okay. “I -” He swallowed hard against the tears, “I can’t do this alone, Bobby.” 

Bobby moved to him then, enveloping Buck in a hug, his shoulder muffling the sounds of Buck’s heartbreaking cries. “You’ll never have to do this alone. You will always have me.” He promised. Bobby paused for a brief moment before continuing, pulling back to look at Buck. “And if you’ll let them in, you have every single person inside of this house. Because, they are all here for you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ended up writing differently than i first envisioned it, when writing Chapter 4. There are many integral characters in Buck's life, and of them I feel that Bobby is at the top of that list. I promise there will be more Buck/Eddie coming in future chapters. Feedback welcome :)


	6. Chapter 6

“Hey, Mads.” Buck offered a smile as he stepped into Maddie’s apartment, giving her a quick peck on her cheek. “Thanks for inviting me over.”

“I’m glad you could make it over, baby brother. I feel like I barely see you anymore.” Although it sounded as though Maddie were pouting about his avoidance, when he looked at his sister he noticed a look of concern crossing her features.

“Well, you’re seeing me now,” He said, making his way into the kitchen and setting a large brown paper bag down. “And, I brought your favorite.” 

“Yang Chow?” Maddie’s voice raised an octave as she moved closer, peeking inside the bag.

Buck felt a small chuckle escape. “Yes, Yang Chow. We’ve got kung pao, lo mein, and a heaping double order of--”

“Slippery shrimp.” Maddie finished for him, digging the containers out of the bag, her focus seemingly shifted for the moment. 

“I ordered extra, I wasn’t sure if Chim was going to be here.” 

Maddie shook her head, letting Buck know that Chimney wouldn’t be joining them. She grabbed a few plates from the cupboard before setting them down next to the containers on the countertop.

After Buck’s breakdown with Bobby, he was doing his best to not push everyone that was close to him away anymore. It was harder than he thought, not shielding himself. They knew him better than he knew himself at times. Which made sharing only half truths about what had been going on even harder. Chim had been there at Bobby and Athena’s, and while Bobby hadn’t shared the details of their conversation with the rest of the house, he still felt a little awkward. Knowing that it would just be Buck and Maddie came as a small relief.

Despite the fact that he was trying not to avoid Eddie anymore, he also wasn’t going out of his way to spend extra time with him. Particularly outside of the fire house. But he was trying to reach out to his circle, and that obviously included his older sister.

Buck absently placed his phone on the counter before he started fixing his plate in silence.

“I was glad you called, Buck.” Maddie broke the silence as she added a generous portion of the slippery shrimp to her plate.

Buck offered a sheepish smile at that, knowing that it had been a while since he’d reached out to his sister, or even made the decision to pick up the phone to talk when she had reached out. He inwardly cringed. “I thought it was time that I started… getting back out into the world.” He explained slowly.

Truthfully, if things had been different and Maddie didn’t have Chim then Buck wouldn’t have felt like it was okay to distance himself from Maddie in the first place. When she first moved to LA they were pretty much inseparable, except for when either one of them was on a shift. But as her relationship with Chim had developed, they’d both been able to grow back into their own space, Maddie’s free time being filled more often with her blossoming relationship with Chimney. That also meant that he’d had the space to fold into himself after the tsunami and continue to spiral down, down, down.

“Why don’t we sit?” Maddie offered gently, placing a hand on his forearm. They made their way over to the table where Buck set his plate down. After Buck was seated Maddie filled a couple glasses with water before joining him. “I heard you made it to Bobby and Athena’s the other night.” She spoke, unsure for the briefest moment on where to start.

“Yeah, they uh,” Buck grabbed a forkful of lo mein which he quickly chewed before continuing, “they invited the whole house over for dinner.” 

Being a 911 dispatcher, it seemed as though Maddie should have had an entire script prepared for talking to her brother. She had them prepared for nearly any situation: a home invasion, a cardiac emergency, childbirth and pretty much any emergency situation that you could think of. And yet somehow in this conversation with her own brother she was finding herself searching for the right words to say. “I know that it meant a lot to Bobby and Athena to have you join them.” She paused for a moment taking a small sip from her glass. 

“Let me guess, Chim said something about the other night.” Buck asserted as he lifted his eyes to his sister’s setting his fork down on the table. 

“We talk about things at the firehouse a lot,” Maddie admitted. “And he did talk about dinner the other night. He said you seemed really upset when you and Eddie got there, and that you distanced yourself from everyone for most of the evening. Buck, that’s just not like you. Chim wasn’t trying to tattle on you to your sister, he’s just worried.”

Buck could feel the frustration beginning to flow through him again. “I get it, ok? Everyone is worried about me. It’s not lost on me. All the sets of eyes that linger on me in the firehouse a little longer than they should, and the quiet side conversations - they’re kind of hard to miss.” Buck pinched the bridge of his nose tightly, trying to collect himself.

“Buck-”

“Mads, you have no idea.”

“So tell me, then,” She said. “This is about the tsunami right?”

“Yeah, but…” Buck scratched the back of his neck quickly. “I’ve been trying to deal with it. I mean, maybe it was a little forced at first. But I’ve been seeing a therapist a couple of times a week.”

“Is it helping?” Maddie asked gently. 

“I don’t know.” He admitted honestly. “It’s only been a few times, and I know I’m supposed to say that it’s helping. But I don’t know if it is.”

“I don’t want you to say something is helping just so that I’ll stop asking questions, Buck.”

“I just wish people would stop assuming that they knew what was best for me. I wish that I could just deal with things when _ I _am ready. Not when some text book or therapist says that I should be over the trauma. As if that is all that any of this is about anyway.”

Maddie’s brow furrowed slightly in confusion at his words. “What’s that supposed to mean?” She pressed.

“It means that I am tired of people, as well-intentioned as they may be, pressuring me into talking. My best friend pulling over to the side of the road when we are supposed to be at Bobby and Athena’s. Telling me that I’m avoiding him and that he wants me to talk to him about it.”

“Well, did you talk to Eddie?” 

A little laugh escaped Buck’s lips as he shook his head. “Not unless you count me storming out of Eddie’s truck and down the street as talking.”

Maddie rolled her eyes slightly at the lack of adult communication between the two men. “The both of you are idiots.”

“How am _ I _getting called out for this?” Buck laughed in disbelief, looking over at Maddie. “The guy practically kidnaps me and tries to force me into a conversation that I don’t want to have. That is mine to have if and when I’m ready. And somehow I am the bad guy.” 

Maddie cleared her plate from the table, making her way past the island in the kitchen before placing the dishes in the sink. “I see your side of the situation, Buck, I do. I cannot begin to imagine how hard these past weeks have been for you.” She closed in the space between herself and Buck a moment later. “But you’re only seeing half of the picture. You are only seeing your side of this.”

Maddie had seen her brother go through his share of struggles. But after seeing the family he’d made for himself at the LAFD, she didn’t think she had to worry about him being alone anymore. Obviously she had completely missed one thing here: his complete and utter bullheaded tendencies. 

Buck let out a small, exasperated breath before he cleared his own plate. “I--I don’t get it, Mads. What are you saying?” He heard Maddie’s steps softly behind him, but didn’t turn around immediately as he rinsed their plates and loaded them into the dishwasher. 

“I’m just saying that you know how the tsunami has had an effect on you. That you are having nightmares, and that you’re struggling. And.... for whatever reason, you have needed to put space between you and Eddie to try to work through that.” She gently placed a hand on his forearm. “But those actions and those choices, they don’t just affect you, Evan.”

**

Buck had spent the majority of the last few days trying to dissect the conversation that he’d had with Maddie. He’d arrived at the firehouse early for his shift before anyone else had arrived, enough time to allow for him to get in a workout before his shift had started, and maybe give him the chance to get outside of his own head for a minute. Instead of grabbing for a drink, which had seemed to be his fallback these days when he couldn’t sort through his thoughts.

He was a solid twenty minutes into his workout before he sensed another presence in the firehouse. Buck exhaled quickly at one last final push on the leg press before locking it back into place. He wiped away the sweat that had beaded on the back of his neck and his forehead with his towel, glancing up. His eyes lifted just in time to catch sight of a retreating figure. Buck tossed the towel over his shoulder before rising to his feet and following after, towards the locker room. “Eddie?”

Eddie’s eyes barely lifted enough to reach his gaze. “Buck.”

Buck’s forehead creased slightly before it smoothed over a brief moment later. “Why’d you cut out of the gym so fast?”

“For someone who is avoiding me, you’re doing a real shit job of it,” Eddie said after a moment, focusing on buttoning his shirt instead of meeting eyes with Buck.

“Eddie-”

“Better get ready for the shift, Buckley,” He said flatly, tucking the rest of his belongings back into his bag and securing it in his locker. Without another word Eddie brushed past him, leaving a shocked Buck standing there in unexpected silence. 


	7. Chapter 7

Buck let out a heavy groan, hearing a loud rapping on his door. “Who is over here at this ungodly hour?” He mumbled, trying to move upright in his bed. “Hang on a minute!” He called, his voice hoarse and groggy with sleep. He slowly made his way down the steps of his loft and to the front door, before pulling it open. A sleepy smile pulled at the corner of his lips. “Hen.”

“Good morning, Buckaroo.” She greeted, placing a small peck on his cheek. “Can I come in?”

“Uhh… yeah, yeah, of course, come in.” Buck stepped to the side, rubbing at his still tired eyes. 

“Are you alright?” Hen asked cautiously, noting the grogginess in his eyes despite the fact that it was nearly 10:30.

Buck closed the front door as Hen stepped inside, a bag from the bakery downtown in her hands. “I’m alright, Hen,” Buck assured her as he stepped into the kitchen, getting the coffeemaker set up. Buck hadn’t been much of a coffee drinker prior to the last few weeks, he always drank it very sparingly. However, after finally breaking down and going to see a doctor about his nightmares and insomnia, they thought it would be best if he started taking something at night to help him get more restful sleep. The problem that he was finding, was that waking up in the morning was near impossible and he felt grogginess that he’d never experienced before. “They have me taking something at night to sleep.” He confided. “It’s just a little harder to wake up in the morning than I’m used to. Do you want some coffee?”

“I’d love a cup.” Hen smiled, sitting down at the dining room table as Buck scooped coffee grounds into his coffee maker before turning it on. “Aside from it being harder to wake up in the morning, are you noticing any differences?”

Buck grabbed two cups from the cupboard wordlessly, placing them on the countertop before turning to look at Hen. “Yeah, I’m able to fall asleep much faster… without the aid of alcohol.” He admitted. “I’m definitely getting a lot more sleep. I still wake up with a nightmare now and again, but it’s not as frequent. I feel better during the days, not so on edge.”

“That’s really great.” Hen smiled genuinely at Buck, opening up the pastry bag. “Can you grab a couple of plates? I picked us up a few of the almond croissants from Proof on my way. Karen has been raving about them for weeks.” She laughed. 

Buck stepped over to the table with two plates and set them down in front of Hen. He went back for the two mugs of coffee before returning, and sat down in the empty seat closest to Hen. “So, what brings you here on our day off?” Buck prodded, smiling knowingly at Hen.

“Oh, can’t a girl just check on her good friend?”

Buck let out a laugh. “Usually the answer to that would be yes, however, considering our recent circumstances, I think that might not be the case.”

“Alright, I guess that is fair.” She admitted. “I was just wondering how things were… with you and Eddie.” Buck breathed out an audible breath at her words, busying himself with placing a croissant on his plate before picking apart the flaky pastry.

For nearly a month and a half he had essentially shut Eddie out of his life, only communicating with him on an as-needed basis while they were on shifts together. After Buck finally started to deal with the tsunami and seek help, he had started to reach out to Eddie. Only it seemed that Buck had done a better job at distancing himself from Eddie than he’d realized, because now it was Eddie that was barely talking to him. “There isn’t much to tell. Things are still... distant. Eddie was really concerned and I pushed him away. We were best friends, and I refused to let him in.”

“This could go on forever, you know. If the two of you don’t learn to stuff down your pride for a minute and actually have an honest conversation with each other... you could spend the rest of your lives as former best friends who had a couple or really great years, and _ nothing more _.” There was something in Hen’s voice then, and if Buck didn’t know any better he would have thought that Hen was hinting at a romantic relationship between himself and Eddie. But Buck had never opened up about those feelings for Eddie to anyone, so he knew that couldn’t be the case. “Christopher could just end up being this really great kid that you knew once upon a time, and he’ll become that kid that you only see once or twice a year if you’re lucky. That you get most of your updates from social media posts.”

Buck’s heart dropped to his knees as he listened to the scenario that Hen was creating for him. “I’m not going to let that happen.” His voice was barely above a whisper as his eyes moved to Hen’s, the pain at imagining the scenario clear.

“No? Tell me this-- when is the last time that you saw Chris?”

“I--” Buck stopped for a long beat at the question. He used to see Christopher nearly daily, but then the tsunami happened. And Buck made sure that he was around him for the first few days, making sure that he was physically okay. That Eddie had things under control. And then Buck was pushing Eddie as far away as he possibly could. This inevitably meant that he was also pushing away this amazing kid that lit up his life, and somehow made the entire world make more sense, too. “It was… shortly after the tsunami. Maybe six weeks ago.”

Speaking that truth out loud was harder than most of the things that he’d admitted over the past few weeks. More than needing help to deal with the trauma of the tsunami. Or needing to medicate himself at night just so that he would be able to get more than a couple of hours of restless sleep; the truth that he had distanced himself so far away from Christopher and Eddie was the hardest pill of all for him to swallow. He had pushed Eddie away intentionally, afraid of what his presence would do and of what other truths might bubble to the surface because of it. Like his feelings for Eddie. Especially on the nights that he’d sleep on Eddie’s couch, after a game night complete with Mortal Combat and Mario Brothers, and a few too many beers. 

Distancing Eddie had been intentional, for Buck to try to work through the weeks following tsunami, and his nightmares. But he didn’t think about what kind of life that could create for him in the long term, if that distance between them remained.

Hen took a bite of her croissant, brushing her fingers off. “Denny and Chris had a playdate yesterday, and he was talking about how much he misses you.” She admitted softly. “I just thought that you should know.”

Buck smiled sadly back at his friend. “Thanks, Hen. Always the voice of reason.” 

**

In the last week, Buck had arrived to the fire station are least thirty minutes before the start of every shift. A sign that the therapy was helping him to deal with the emotional trauma, and that the medication to help with his insomnia and nightmares was having the desired effect. He had already changed for his shift before jogging up the stairs to the kitchen, beginning to get appreciate the quiet in the morning, before his coworkers arrived. He made his way over to the coffee pot, preparing it before brewing the first pot. 

With a few long strides, Buck made his way over to the refrigerator, opening it up and taking inventory of what was available to be prepared for breakfast. 

“Morning, Buck.” Bobby greeted from behind Buck, pouring himself a cup of coffee from the freshly brewed pot. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that this is your firehouse, He teased.

“Bobby, no.”

A serious look washed over Buck’s face, and Bobby let out an easy laugh. “Relax, kid. I’m joking.” Bobby took a sip of the coffee, a look of appreciation crossing his features. “I’m impressed, Buckley. I didn’t even think you drank coffee, let alone know how to make a good pot. You really ought to teach that talent to Chim. I might actually put that on your checklist for today.”

Buck let out a quiet chuckle. “You mean you don’t enjoy drinking tar?” 

Bobby smiled then, simply watching Buck in silence for a moment, catching a glimpse of the Buck that he’d been missing for several months now. “Buck, will you grab the eggs? There should be some fruit in there that we can cut up for this morning, too.”

“Sure thing, Cap.” Buck brought out the large carton of eggs, returning to the refrigerator to retrieve the fruit. “So, Hen stopped by my place yesterday morning. We had a good talk.”

“Yeah?” 

Buck nodded his head slightly in confirmation. “Yeah, basically about me getting my life back on track. The last few weeks things have been better-- I’ve been better.”

“I’ve noticed,” Bobby assured him after a moment. “The difference is undeniable.” 

“Just one thing missing.” Buck mused, focusing his attention on cutting up the fruit on the cutting board. “Well, actually two.”

“And what’s that?” 

“Eddie and Christopher.” Bobby looked at him warmly at the admission. “I pushed Eddie away because I was afraid of hurting him. Because I was afraid of being vulnerable and open. Which is _ so _stupid, Bobby.”

Bobby shook his head lightly as he listened to Buck’s words. “No, it’s not, Buck. You were scared. And- it’s not like the day after the tsunami they dropped off a book and said ‘here, do this and everything will be easy’. This hasn’t been an easy healing process.” Bobby pressed his lips together tightly, in thought. “And the fact that the both of you have a stubborn streak, and push each other away when you’re hurt, that doesn’t help the situation any,” he added.

Buck sighed as he finished cutting the fruit, adding the last of it to the bowl. “I know. I’m going to try talking to Eddie again today.”

“And if that doesn’t work?” Bobby coaxed.

“Then… I don’t know, Cap.”

“Then you try again tomorrow.” Buck let those words sink in. Bobby was right. Just because Eddie had been angry days ago and pushed him away, didn’t mean that would always be the case. He began to hear movement around the firehouse as the rest of the team began to arrive for their shift. He took a small sip of his coffee before descending down the stairs, eyes searching for Eddie.

He stepped into the locker room where he’d spotted Eddie, finishing the last two buttons on his uniform. “Hey, Eds…” Buck’s voice trailed off slowly, eyes lifting to find Eddie’s. He noticed the tension that was visible in Eddie’s shoulders then and the darkness around his eyes. He wondered if it had been there before and he’d been so wrapped up in the trauma of the tsunami that he just hadn’t noticed.

“Hey, Buck,” Eddie’s voice sounded tired. But he didn’t immediately snap at Buck, and Buck chose to take that as progress. “Look, can we… talk?” There was a slight hint of uncertainty in Buck’s voice that was rarely present, especially around Eddie when all his guards were usually down. But it had been months since things were normal between the two of them, and he’d been vulnerable around Eddie.

“Yeah…” Eddie’s voice trailed off slightly, closing his locker. “What’s-” Before Eddie had the chance to finish his question, the sound of the alarm sounding reverberated through the firehouse. Buck and Eddie exited the locker room in unison, quickly suiting up for the call before they both climbed into the ladder truck, sitting beside each other.

Buck’s legs bounced lightly in anticipation before his eyes met Eddie’s in silence. “Chris will be with Abuela tonight... why don’t we meet up after the shift ends?” Eddie suggested quietly, so the conversation settled between the two of them.

A small smile tugged at the edges of Buck’s lips then. “Yeah, yeah I can do that.” And with that Buck glanced out the window, the 118’s siren blaring loudly through the streets, feeling like a weight had been lifted off of his chest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I'm going to try to continue posting chapters at least on a weekly basis, but I'm splitting my focus between this fic, and the one I'll be entering in the Buddie Big Bang challenge on Tumblr. Thanks for all the feedback and kudos so far!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The 118 has a long shift, and part of Buck's past comes to surface.
> 
> **WARNING: mentions of suicide and self harm in this chapter. Read at your own risk, and please stay safe**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of suicide and self-harm in this chapter. Read at your own risk, and please stay safe**

They say that the way that your morning starts is a pretty good indication of how the rest of the day will turn out. Buck’s shift had started with the bell ringing before he could even get a taste of breakfast, and that should have been the first sign of the direction that the day was headed. When they arrived back from their first call, which was removing a rubber ball that had been lodged into a five-year-old boy’s nose, they made their second attempt at a family breakfast.

Buck made his way up the stairs towards the dining area, trailing a couple of steps behind Eddie. “You need some coffee, man?” He asked, approaching the coffee maker and dumping out the early morning batch that he’d made.

“I’m definitely not going to say no to coffee at this point.” Eddie offered a small nod, grabbing a couple of coffee mugs from the cupboard as Buck brewed a new pot of coffee.

“I can make the coffee, if you wanted to help out the Cap.” Chimney approached Eddie and Buck where they stood. Bobby and Buck exchanged a look before Buck let out a humored laugh. “What?” Chim asked defensively. 

“Nothing, Chim, it’s... I’ve just got it under control.” Buck shook his head as the coffee finished perking.

“Besides, I don’t need help with anything. Athena dropped us off some danishes for breakfast.” Bobby brought the box over to the table and set it down, Hen and Chim quickly gathering there. “Dig in.”

“I love that wife of yours, Bobby,” Hen admitted with a smile, grabbing one of the danishes from the box.

“I’m not sure what Karen would have to say about that, Hen,” Bobby spoke with a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Buck glanced over at Eddie as they remained at the counter, speaking after a short beat as he poured his coffee. “So what time is good for tonight? 8:30 at Manny’s over on Third Street alright?”

Buck nodded in acknowledgment. “Yeah, that works fine for me.” Buck knew that it was probably nothing, but he just felt like things were so distant now. He vividly remembered all of the times that he stopped by and hung with Eddie and had a beer, or had a movie night with Eddie and Chris, or pizza and video games. Going to a diner to talk, it just felt so-- forced. So unlike their entire relationship had been. But Buck wasn’t going to complain, because at least Eddie wasn’t giving him the silent treatment anymore. Buck would have to settle for baby steps if that is what it was going to take. And he hoped they’d be able to hash things out tonight.

Before they’d had the to join Bobby, Hen and Chim at the table, the bell had sounded again. “You have got to be kidding me,” Chim grumbled, taking a large bite out of the danish in his hand before tossing it down on the plate, the team quickly making their way back down to the fire engine for their next call.

And so, their luck had continued. The next call had been an elderly woman who had called 911 reporting that her house had been engulfed in flames. But when the 118 had rolled up to the address that the woman had provided to dispatch, there was _no fire _. They’d called back to confirm the address and then went to the door of the residence. The real emergency that the 73-year-old woman Dot had was that her dog was stuck underneath his dog house, and she didn’t think that they would have sent anyone to help if she’d told the dispatcher the truth. As Bobby spoke with the caller, Buck could almost see the flames shooting out of Bobby’s ears, and surely that would set Dot’s house on fire. 

**

Buck hopped out of the fire rig as they pulled up to one of their last calls of the evening, responding to a possible jumper situation on the roof of a four-story apartment building. The team waited for their orders from Bobby before they split off. Bobby, Buck, and Eddie moving quickly to the stairs that led to the roof of the building, while they tried to reposition the rig below. The metal door swung open, and their eyes immediately moved to the teenage boy who stood atop the brick, glancing down at the city below before eyes quickly moved to the trio. 

“Stay right there! Don’t come any closer.” His voice cracked as he spoke, fear clearly present. 

“Go on, Buck.” Bobby urged quietly, his head nodding lightly in the boy’s direction.

Buck rolled his bottom lip between his teeth for a brief moment before pushing his anxiety down and walking forward a few steps. “Uh, hey, what’s your name? My name’s Buck.”

Frightened green eyes landed on Buck. “I- I’m Michael.”

“Okay, Michael, do you want to step down here where we can talk for a minute?” Buck asked gently, taking a couple more small steps in his direction.

“I’m going to stay right here. _ Please- _ don’t come any closer.” His voice was pleading then, pushing the large black-framed glasses up the bridge of his nose.

“Do you want to tell me why we’re up here?” Buck pressed.

“Because there is less of a chance of me messing up splattering myself on the pavement below than taking a bunch of pills, or cutting my wrists.” A small sob escaped Michael’s lips then, moving into a seated position, legs hanging over the edge of the apartment building, feet dangling over the busy streets below. Buck took the opportunity, closing in the large gap between them so that he was only a few feet away.

“Is that really what you want?” Buck didn’t know why he asked the question, he was afraid of the answer as soon as the words had escaped his lips.

“It doesn’t matter what I want.” Michael’s fingers which were painted in alternating primary colors moved quickly, wiping at the tears that slid down his cheeks. “Nobody would care if I were dead. It’s what everybody wants.”

Buck knelt down so that he was at Michael’s level, although Michael was still turned away from Buck. “It’s not what everyone wants. It might feel like that right now, but trust me, it’s not.”

“What would you even know about it? It’s not like a pretty boy like you would even be able to understand. How could you even begin to understand some messed up transgender kid?” There was bitterness in his tone, and a small part of Buck wanted to slink back into himself. Instead, he exchanged a glance with Bobby as he and Eddie positioned themselves closer to where Michael and Buck were.

“I think you’d be surprised,” Buck said then, debating the amount of truth that he should share in this moment. “I’m not transgender, so I can’t say that I can relate to that. But, when I was fifteen I came out to my parents that I was bi.” He paused, clearing his throat, noticing that Michael’s body had shifted slightly, one foot now resting on the rooftop instead of dangling dangerously over the city. “It-- it didn’t go well. My father was furious, he wouldn’t talk to me for months. He just cut me out completely, told me how worthless I was, what a disappointment I was. That real men, they aren't attracted to other men. That I could never amount to anything.

“In his eyes, I was such a disappointment that he told me he’d be happier if I was dead. I struggled for a really long time with that, thinking that I was worth _nothing _because I was different. That even my dad hated me, so how could my life be worth anything?” Buck felt a small wave of relief wash over him as Michael’s other leg swung over the side, resting beside Buck’s. Buck rose to his feet, reaching out a hand for Michael’s instantly. “Let’s finish talking over here.” He motioned, away from the ledge. Michael looked at Buck with a long moment of reluctance before finally placing his hand in Buck’s. They walked several feet away, and as Bobby began to move in, Buck gave him a look before holding up his finger, indicating that he needed a minute.

“So, what happened? How did you deal with that?”

“One day at a time,” Buck admitted. “It wasn’t easy, it was really, really hard. But, I think that sometimes even as teenagers we know these things about ourselves, these things that make us who we are. And it’s hard to explain that to other people, even as you get older. “ Buck paused. “I learned that I had to put myself first and find my own place in the world, wherever and whatever that was. And I wasn’t going to be everybody’s favorite, and that is okay because you know what? There will be people who will love you so intensely, Michael, just for exactly who you are.” He glanced at Bobby who was watching him closely. “Look, my Cap is giving me ‘the look’, but-- if you ever start to feel like this again, I work down at the 118. Just come down there and ask for Buck and we can grab a coffee and talk, okay?”

Buck finally let out a breath as a few moments later Michael was enveloped in his sobbing mother’s arms. He felt Bobby’s hand on his shoulder then, giving him a small squeeze as they made their way back down to the truck. 

**

It was 7:00 when their shift finally ended, and Eddie had ducked out almost immediately, letting Buck know he’d see him at 8:30 at the diner. Buck took his time getting his things together, gathering his belongings in his bag and changing back into his street clothes. His mind felt so scattered. The call with the jumper, Michael, had been unexpected. The last feelings that he’d expected to dredge up were those of his insecure teenage years. 

He felt like his mind was at battle for emotional real estate, between needing to talk to Eddie about the tsunami and their friendship, and now trying to process these old emotional scars. He let out a heavy exhale, leaning his forehead against the lockers. “Long shift today.” Bobby’s voice was soft as he entered the room, allowing Buck his personal space, not stepping inside past the doorway. “Is it alright if I sit down for a minute?”

“Yeah, of course, Bobby.”

Bobby sat down on the bench in the locker room, glancing at where Buck stood. “Can I ask you something, Buck? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

Buck turned around and glanced at Bobby before seating himself on the bench, turning to face Bobby. “You’re going to ask me if the story I gave the kid today was true?” Bobby’s eyes landed on Buck’s, remaining there, as though searching for a moment before he simply nodded his head. “I thought about making up some story, but it just-- didn’t feel right.”

“You know that you can be yourself here, Buck, _ completely?_”

“I’m not sure what you mean, Cap.” 

Bobby paused then, searching for the words. “You came out to your dad when you were fifteen, and he treated you terribly because of it. He made you feel like you weren’t good enough, that there was something wrong with who you are.” Bobby cleared his throat then, placing a hand on Buck’s forearm. “There is nothing wrong with who you are, Evan Buckley. You are this innately good person who puts yourself on the line for everyone else, without question or regard for yourself. You love the people in your life so intensely, and so genuinely.” Buck swiped at the tear that had rolled down his cheek, quietly sniffling. “Please, don’t _ ever _feel like you have to keep any part of yourself from us.”

“It wasn’t intentional, at first,” Buck spoke, barely above a whisper. “I mean, Buck 1.0 was promiscuous and there were a couple of guys, but it wasn’t anything that was long-term. And, then there was Abby, and I wasn’t thinking about anyone other than her for a really long time.” Buck paused, the emotions of the day hitting him like a brick wall. “But, we got really close, Bobby and… I’m sure everyone would be great and understanding, it’s just that-”

“What is it, Buck?”

Buck pursed his lips together tightly, glancing down at his tightly clasped hands before lifting his eyes back up to meet Bobby’s. “In the two years that I have been here, you have been more of a Dad to me than my own father was. I just didn’t want to go through that again… disappointing you, too.”

“Buck.” Bobby let out a shaky breath, moving closer to Buck and wrapping an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close. “You will never be a disappointment to me, _ ever_. Who you are attracted to, or who you have romantic relationships with, they have no bearing on the way that I see you. They are a part of who you are, but they don’t change who you are.” 

Buck wiped at his eyes quickly before glancing at his watch, making sure that he still had enough time to make it to the diner to meet Eddie. “Thank you, Bobby. For being who you are-- your kids, they were so lucky to have you for as long as they did. Harry and May, they really struck the jackpot.” Buck rose to his feet, grabbing his bag. “I’ve gotta meet Eddie. We’re gonna talk.”

Bobby swallowed the lump in his throat at Buck’s words, needing to wipe at the tears in his own eyes. “I’m glad you’re going to talk, Buck. It’s long overdue.” Bobby watched as Buck made his way to the door. “And Buck?” Bobby waited a moment until Buck glanced back at him. He repeated the words of hope that Buck had shared with the teenage boy today back to Buck.“There are people that love you so intensely, just for exactly who you are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter kind of took on a mind of its own, I had an idea for it-- and the characters just veered it off course. I hope you guys enjoyed - I'm glad I was able to update quickly, being on vacation has been really helpful for my muse and my writing time and helped me to propel past my writers block.
> 
> Unexpected turns coming, so hold on tight.
> 
> Thanks for all the love, and Happy New Year!


	9. Chapter 9

Buck stepped out of the firehouse and made his way to the jeep, tossing his bag in the passenger seat. He glanced at the clock on the dashboard, noting that he still had plenty of time to make it to the little diner on Third Street before 8:30. He pulled out of the parking lot before making the drive through the always busy LA streets. Buck pulled into the parking lot behind Manny’s, glancing around and not noting that he didn’t see Eddie’s truck in the lot yet. 

Grabbing his cell phone from the dashboard mount, he sent a quick text to Eddie before hopping out of the truck, letting him know he’d just arrived and would grab a table for them. He stepped inside to the quiet diner, noticing a couple in the back corner talking over coffee, but not much movement other than that. An aged sign indicating to wait to be seated was perched near the doorway, so Buck hung back, waiting to be led to a table. He waited for a few minutes until the waitress approached him. “Sorry for the wait. Is it just going to be you, hon?” The middle-aged woman asked, offering him a small smile.

“No, it’ll be two of us. A booth would be great.” He spoke, returning her smile as he was led over to a table.

“Can I get you started with a drink while you wait?”

“How about a cup of tea?” Buck asked. The waitress nodded, telling him she’d be right back and in a moment she was gone. Buck glanced down at his phone then, checking to see if Eddie had texted him back. Nothing yet.

Buck opened up Instagram, scrolling through mindlessly to kill some time until Eddie arrived. “Here’s your tea.” The waitress spoke, setting the teacup and saucer down on the table, a slice of lemon resting on the saucer. 

“Thank you, I’ll wait a little longer for my friend before ordering.” Buck flashed her a smile, and she scurried away from the table a short moment later, back towards the kitchen. Buck let out a quiet sigh, glancing down at his phone again, 8:47. 

Buck: Where are you??

Eddie:

Buck drank his tea in silence, and when the waitress came back to the table, he still hadn’t heard back from Eddie. He knew that Eddie was upset with him, but it seemed like he’d gotten past that. They were supposed to talk things out, he was supposed to help Eddie to understand. He wanted to talk about Chris and try to get help with things back to normal. He needed them to be in his life like they were before the tsunami. The distance was beginning to eat away at him. “Can I just get your Buffalo Grilled Chicken sandwich to go?” Buck asked after a moment, glancing down and noting that it was already after nine and he hadn’t even heard back from Eddie yet.

Buck: Are you coming? 

I’m ordering my food to go

I can grab you food and swing by if you want?

Eddie:

A solid five minutes later, and still nothing. Finally, Buck brought up Eddie’s contact on his phone, calling him and listening to the phone ring until it eventually went to voicemail. “Hey Eds, it’s Buck. I’m at Manny’s… I’m just waiting on my food, and then I’m going to head out. Do you want me to grab you some food?” Buck felt his heart drop, running a hand roughly over the back of his neck, his head lowered. “Look, if you’re not ready to talk… you can just tell me, alright man? Just- call me back, or text me when you get this.” And with that Buck hung up.

Ten minutes later, the waitress brought over Buck’s to-go container and his check. Buck paid, before quietly leaving the diner. 

Buck: Are you okay?

Eddie:

Buck breathed out in frustration, feeling tears prick at his eyes. He’d already had a shit day, and Eddie completely ghosting him was just the icing on the cake. He decided he’d do a quick drive-by to see if Eddie just decided to stay home and hadn’t said anything. But when his jeep pulled up to the Diaz residence, Eddie’s truck was missing from the driveway. “What the fuck, Eds…. where are you?” He finished in a whisper. He stayed in Eddie’s driveway for thirty minutes, waiting, hoping for a response to his text message, or for Eddie to pull into the driveway. But it was as if Eddie had just vanished.

Buck sighed with exhaustion, sending one last text before heading back to his empty apartment.

Buck: We don’t have to talk. Can you just let me know you’re okay?

Eddie: 

Buck: Hey Bobby, have you heard from Eddie?

Bobby: No, is everything ok?

Buck: Yeah, it’s fine

He didn’t show up tonight and wasn’t home

Guess he wasn’t ready to talk after all

**

Buck was exhausted, but his mind hadn’t stopped in the hour that he’d been home. Every time he got a notification on his phone, he glanced at it, checking to see if it was a text from Eddie. He knew that he was going to kick himself in the morning when he couldn’t keep his eyes open. At 12:45 he’d thrown the blankets off of himself and made his way downstairs, deciding he’d better take his pill before he got no sleep at all. Eddie wasn’t concerned about Buck or his feelings at this point, he’d totally ghosted him. So why was Buck so invested in Eddie’s feelings and carrying this feeling of worry around with him?

He filled a glass of water, taking a few sips as he grabbed the pill bottle from the cabinet. Before he had the chance to open it, there was a steady knock on his door. Buck’s brow furrowed. Who would be knocking on his door at almost one in the morning? Buck was certain that there was only one person that it could be, that would show up in the middle of the night. “Look, Eds, now is not the time-” Buck opened the door with a weary sigh, stopping short when Eddie wasn’t on the other side. “C-Cap. What are you doing here so late?”

“Can I come in for a minute, Buck?” Bobby’s voice didn’t waver, but it was the expression on Bobby’s face, and the fact that it was the middle of the night that had Buck’s heart feeling like it was going to pound out of his chest.

“Bobby.”

Bobby didn’t say anything, but stepped inside Buck’s apartment and closed the door behind him. “I need you to get dressed. It’s Eddie-- we found him.”

“Bobby, what do you mean you found him? Why are you here so late?” Buck’s eyes flashed to Bobby’s, searching for some sort of comfort to ease the heavy pounding in his chest. He didn’t find it.

Bobby blinked for a moment, steeling himself in place. “Buck, let’s sit down.”

“No. No, I won’t sit down, Bobby. Just tell me! Where did you find Eddie?” Buck felt an uncomfortable tingle start at the base of his spine, flickering up his back and settling into his shoulders, filling him with a feeling of dread that he couldn’t shake.

Bobby looked like he was afraid to breathe, knowing that he was shattering Buck’s world with his next words. “There’s been an accident, Buck.”

Buck opened his mouth, trying to form the words, but at first, no sound came out. And when words did escape his lips, they were stammered and mixed together in a way that made no sense. “What… I--” His mind was racing, and he couldn’t slow his mind enough to form a logical sentence. He needed to ask questions, he needed to find out what happened. Was Eddie alive? Bobby placed a hand on each of his shoulders, holding him in place, making Buck look at him.

“It’s Eddie and Chris. Buck, we need to get to the hospital, now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry ya'll - things are going to get angsty. I get back to work tomorrow, but I'm partially into the next chapter already. Hopefully another update this weekend.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck arrives at the hospital, and gets news on Chris and Eddie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These past few chapters have been starting to get very angsty and very emotional - thank you guys for all the feedback and for hanging in there with me. I have been very inspired to write recently, and am already partially through the next chapter. Look for another update in the next few days.
> 
> Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional, but did do some research so hopefully the doctor doesn't sound like a total dolt.

Buck’s entire body felt numb, and he couldn’t recall how his shoes had gotten on his feet, or how he’d ended up in Bobby’s car. But he was sitting there, staring out the window and the ringing in his ears was so deafening. He blinked his eyes rapidly, sliding his glance over to Bobby.

“How are they?” Buck finally managed to croak, feeling like his entire world was shattering down around him. 

“Athena hasn’t been able to get any information on their condition yet, she just got up to the hospital. She let Chim and Hen know so they can meet us at the hospital.” Bobby paused as he glanced over at Buck briefly when he reached a stop sign before his eyes moved back to the road. “They were hit head-on by a drunk driver, Buck. I-- we don’t know anything else, yet. Athena is working on it, I promise you that.”

Buck forced his eyes away from the side of Bobby’s face as he drove, looking out the window as tears rolled down his cheeks, his shoulders shaking quietly as he allowed the tears to spill over. “I was so angry with him for blowing me off, Bobby.”

“You didn’t know, Buck. It’s okay. This isn’t your fault.” As soon as Bobby had parked the car, Buck was opening the door blindly, struggling with the handle for a moment, his vision blurred. “Try to take a deep breath, and not jump to any conclusions. We’ll talk to the doctors and find out what’s going on.” Bobby wrapped his arm around Buck’s shoulders keeping him close as they walked quickly towards the emergency entrance of the hospital.

Buck was thankful for Bobby’s hand, guiding him and helping to propel his feet forward. When they walked inside they immediately noticed the group that had gathered there for Eddie and Christopher: Athena, Maddie, Chim, Hen, and Carla. Buck stopped short, and Bobby followed suit as he looked over at Buck. “Did anyone… call Isabel? She should be here.” Buck tried clearing his throat, hating the way his voice wavered. 

“I called her on the way to get you, Josephine was picking her up. They’ll be here.” Bobby assured him. Buck simply nodded his head, walking over to his family from the 118. “Do we have any update on their condition yet?”

Athena wrapped an arm around Bobby’s waist, drawing herself to him, trying to give him all of the support and strength that she muster. “They said Christopher is stable right now, but we haven’t been allowed to go back and see him. Eddie was still in surgery, and they said they wouldn’t know anything for a while. He took the brunt of the impact, he hit his head on the steering wheel and his legs were banged up really badly, from what I was able to find out from the first responders. He was unconscious when they arrived on the scene, he didn’t regain consciousness on the way to the hospital.” Athena’s fingers moved in a slow circular motion over Bobby’s back, as Buck silently stepped away.

And so, the waiting and the pacing began for Buck. He’d been able to let go and break down in front of Bobby, on the drive over. But Buck knew that when Isabel and Eddie’s aunt arrived that he was going to need to be stronger than that. They didn’t need to see how truly wrecked Buck was over this, they didn’t need to know about the fear that was setting his belly on fire, causing overwhelming waves of nausea to take over.

He walked past Hen, Chim, and Maddie, finding a seat in the corner of the waiting room. He dropped his head into his hands silently, staring blindly at the ground. Buck couldn’t say how much time had passed before he felt a hand resting on his arm. “Isabel.” Buck breathed out slowly, rising to his feet and gently enveloping her in a hug.

“Buck, I wish I were seeing you on better terms.” She told him with a sad smile. Buck nodded his head slightly in acknowledgment, wishing nothing but the same. Isabel moved around the waiting room, wrapping Bobby in a hug next. Buck moved back to his seat, hoping that they’d be able to see Christopher soon, and hoping for an update on Eddie. They weren’t able to provide any specifics on Eddie yet, just that he was still in surgery, and the not knowing was slowly eating away at Buck.

Maddie had seated herself beside Buck, and he breathed out a shaky sigh. “Hey, baby brother.” Buck’s eyes barely shifted over to hers, before his eyes moved back to his feet. “You doing alright?” He couldn’t form words at her question, and all that passed his lips was an inaudible laugh. She reached her hand over to his back then, rubbing gently. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” Without another word, Buck rose to his feet, making his way over to the nurse’s station. “Can we please get an update on Edmundo Diaz?” Buck pleaded, hands resting on top of the counter. “When can we see his son, Christopher Diaz? He’s got to be terrified right now, he needs to see familiar faces.”

The nurse looked at Buck for a moment, considering his question. “You’re the family?”

Buck felt Isabel at his side a short beat later, grabbing for Buck’s hand and squeezing gently. “We are.”

“We don’t have an update on Mr. Diaz yet, but let me see what I can do about getting you back to see Christopher.” The next minutes ticked by slowly as they waited for the nurse to return. “Okay, so we’re just trying to get Christopher settled in a room, but he’ll be allowed to see visitors. One at a time.” A bit later, the nurse returned letting them know that it would be okay to start going back one at a time to see Christopher.

Buck insisted that Isabel and Josephine go back and see him first, since they were his actual family. He paced around the room, the anxiety continuing to swirl around in his stomach. Buck was glad that he’d be able to see with his own two eyes that Christopher was okay, and he hoped would give him some sort of comfort.

But he also didn’t know what he was going to say to Christopher. How could he explain any of this? What would Buck say when Chris asked about Eddie? It all felt so overwhelming and _wrong_. Like no matter what he said or did, it wouldn’t be right.

A doctor stepped into the waiting room, approaching the pocket of the room where Eddie’s friends and family had congregated. Buck could feel his heart pounding in his chest at an uncomfortable rate. “Is this the family of Edmundo Diaz?”

“Yes, sir,” Bobby confirmed with a small nod of his head, rising to his feet.

“Mr.Diaz is out of surgery now. He has a traumatic brain injury-- a closed head injury, to be more specific. He hit his head on the steering wheel, and he has some significant bruising on his forehead. We’re keeping a close eye on him for brain swelling. We’ve done a scan so that we can keep easily identify any changes, so that we can be as proactive as possible.”

“Is he awake?” Isabel asked after a moment.

“No, he’s still unconscious, and it may be some time before he wakes up, _ if _he wakes up. Brain injuries can be really tricky. Everyone responds to trauma caused by this kind of impact differently. If he does wake up, there are a lot of potential side effects, but we’re going to cross that bridge when we come to it. We’ll talk more about the next steps soon. He’s being transferred over to the neuro ICU so that he can get the best treatment and monitoring. We’ll let you know when he’s situated, and then if you’d like, you can see him.”

Buck blinked slowly, trying to allow all of the information to sink in. But it was as though Dr. Arrigoni’s words were on repeat: _ if _he wakes up, _ if _he wakes up, _if _he wakes up. He heard a small sob escape from Isabel, and he wrapped a comforting arm around her. How could this be happening? What were they going to do?

The words around him faded in and out “Eddie’s a fighter”, “He has to wake up”, “He’s going to be okay.” They swirled around Buck, and he wondered if he was the one that was unconscious and all of this was just his nightmares returning with cruel intensity. 

“Buck... Buck.... Buck.” After the third time, Buck finally blinked his eyes looking to Isabel. “Christopher is asking for you.”

“Maybe that’s not such a great idea--” They were Chimney’s words, and Buck could feel a wave of anger flash deep down that he’d never experienced before, eyes darting angrily to Chim’s.

“You think me seeing Christopher is a bad idea? And what do you think he needs right now? To be alone in a hospital, not knowing where his father is?!” Buck swallowed a jagged breath, tears falling quickly down his cheeks. 

“Buck, I--” Chimney exhaled, an exhausted and sad expression crossing his features. Maddie placed her hand gently against Chim’s arm, stopping him.

It was Maddie who spoke cautiously after a brief pause. “We just think that he shouldn’t be seeing you like _ this _.”

“I think I need a minute.” Buck croaked, hurt eyes flashing between Chimney and Maddie, scanning over the other faces around him. He walked out of the room without saying another word and slipped into the men’s room. He barely made it into the bathroom before he was crouched over the toilet, the bile that he’d been trying to push down since they’d arrived finally overtaking him.


	11. Chapter 11

He didn’t know how long he sat there beside the toilet before he finally rose to his feet, and rinsed his face. He eventually looked at himself in the mirror, and he barely recognized his reflection. His hands rested against the cool porcelain of the sink, bowing his head as he tried slowing his breaths. They were right, Chris would be frightened if he saw Buck like this, with swollen red-rimmed eyes. He stepped out of the bathroom and immediately wandered down the hallway, walking in the opposite direction of everyone else.

“Buck.” Buck didn’t say a word, he simply allowed Bobby to fall into step beside him. He didn’t even know where he was headed, he just knew that he needed a few minutes away from everyone’s gazes. Somehow he needed to get his head on straight. “I want you to come somewhere with me.”

“Bobby, I just... I need to clear my head, somehow. I need to get my head on straight so that I can go in there and be there for Christopher.”

“_I know,_” Bobby assured him gently. “Trust me.” Buck simply nodded his head as he walked beside him in silence. It was Bobby after all, and he’d never led him astray when it counted. Bobby continued to turn down several hallways, navigating the hospital as though he knew it like the back of his hand. 

Buck stopped abruptly, his body going rigid for a moment as they came to a stop in front of the hospital’s chapel. “Bobby, I appreciate what you’re trying to do. Really, but I’m not- I don’t go to church like you do.”

“This isn’t about how often you do or don’t go to church. Give it a chance, if you feel like it’s not helping, we’ll go.” Buck inhaled silently before stepping inside, Bobby following silently behind him. He felt like he needed to hold his breath, so as not to disrupt anything. Bobby chose a pew, and Buck sat beside him uncomfortably. His back was completely straight, his shoulders rigid. “Buck, relax.”

“You can’t talk in here, we’ll get kicked out.”

Bobby pursed his lips together before he spoke. “Buck, when was the last time that you were in a church?” 

“I-I don’t know.” Buck was caught slightly off guard by the question, not sure what Bobby was trying to get at. He whispered back to him. “A wedding a couple years ago?”

Bobby smiled at Buck. “I’m guessing other than weddings, it’s been a while.” He could tell by the way that Buck was acting, that he hadn’t been in a church for quite a while. As though he was going to get scolded by a Sunday School teacher for speaking up in the chapel. Bobby glanced around the chapel that was empty, except for him and Buck. There was nobody else there, and he hoped that helped Buck’s comfort level. “You’re not going to get in trouble for talking in here.” He assured him.

Buck breathed out then, as though he’d been holding his breath since they’d walked inside the chapel. “I don’t know, Cap. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here.”

“That’s okay, Buck. You don’t have to have all of the answers right now.” Bobby sat back, his eyes shifting to Buck, before they moved to the cross that hung at the head of the sanctuary. “When I first started going to church, it was because I felt responsible for what happened with Marcy and the kids and I needed to confess to what I’d done, pretty regularly. Not to try to clear my conscience, but it was a way for me to not forget what damage I had done, and, at the time, to keep the agreement that I’d made with God,” He paused. “But as time passed, it became less about going there to confess, and more about going somewhere that filled me with a little bit of hope, and peace.”

“I know you said I don’t have to have all of the answers right now.” Buck spoke quietly, looking down at his hands. “But I feel like I have to. I need to be there for Eddie in the best way possible, and for Christopher, too. And that means knowing the right thing to say to him.”

Bobby closed his eyes briefly before he turned his attention back to Buck. They were all so tired, but nobody wanted to leave the hospital in case there was any change with Eddie. “I don’t think Chris needs for you to have everything figured out right now. What he needs the most, is for you to be there for him when his dad can’t be. He just needs to know you’re there, that he’s not alone.”

“But what Chim said back there-- he wasn’t wrong.”

“Maybe not, but you were in shock, Buck. And it’s okay to let him see you emotional. You don’t want him to be afraid to share his fears with you, too.” Bobby paused before he continued speaking. “I’m going to take a minute and say a prayer for Eddie and Christopher.” 

Bobby silently bowed his head, eyes closing as he folded his hands. He knew what it was like to carry around the same fear that had been swallowing Buck whole earlier. He was scared of losing Eddie, too. In his firehouse, they were all his kids in every way that mattered, and Eddie was no exception. Eddie was a fighter literally, and figuratively. He was going to need that fighting spirit to come through the other side, he was up against some pretty terrible odds. But Bobby knew that he had it in him, and he was praying for Eddie to fight harder than he ever had before.

**

Buck rejoined his family in the waiting room a short while later. After he’d spent a while with Bobby in the chapel, he’d decided to go outside for a few minutes of fresh air to finish collecting his thoughts. Although he felt drained, he didn’t feel so out of control anymore. He was scared, but he hoped that he’d be able to keep it together for Christopher now. He glanced over at the nurses' station briefly, walking over to where Maddie and Chimney sat beside each other. Chimney was slouched down, with Maddie sleeping at his shoulder. “Hey, Chim.”

“Hey Buck,” Chim whispered back as he tried sitting up a bit more. 

“You don’t have to move. I just wanted to apologize for earlier. I-I didn’t mean to lash out at you. I know you were just looking out for Chris.”

“No apology necessary,” Chim assured him. 

“Look, why don’t you take Maddie home? Get some sleep. I’ll let you know if anything changes.”

“Buck, you shouldn’t be here alone.” Chim told him after a pause.

“He won’t be, Bobby and I will stay up here with him. Go ahead and go home, get some rest and take a shower. We’ll let you know if there is any change.” After a little more talking, they’d convinced Chim and Maddie to go home. Buck stifled a yawn. “I’d tell you to home and get some sleep, but I know that will be wasted breath,” Athena said.

Buck tried to offer he a small smile. “Yeah, I”m not going anywhere, ‘thena.” 

“How about some terrible coffee?”

Buck shook his head slightly. “No, I”m alright for now. Staying awake usually isn’t the problem.” He laughed quietly, glancing down for a moment. “Look, um, maybe stop down at the chapel if you have a second?”

Athena looked at Buck in confusion. “Care to explain?”

“Bobby and I went down there. I, uh, I know that he is trying to hold it all together for us, for _me_. He wanted to stay down there a little longer, and… I just want to make sure he’s alright, and you’re his touchstone.” 

Athena smiled warmly at Buck, leaning in for a quick hug. “You’ve come a long way, Buck.” 

Buck blinked his eyes closed for a moment during their short embrace. He watched Athena retreat down the hallway, taking a deep breath before making his way up to the nurse’s station. “I’d like to see Christopher Diaz.”

“Are you… Evan Buckley? “ The nurse glanced down at a paper, where she’d found his name. “Christopher’s other Dad?” Buck placed his hand on the counter at her words, trying to hold himself upright.

“I’m sorry?”

“Isabel Diaz, Edmundo’s grandmother said that his other dad, Evan Buckley was here, and should have access to see him. We usually don’t let people back outside of visiting hours, but I think it would be good for him to see you.” She offered with an understanding smile. “You can stay as long as you’d like, and the rest of your family can visit him during normal visiting hours.”

“Thank you.” Buck’s felt like the breath had been knocked out of him, but he forced a smile back. 

“Room 37, down the hall and to the left.”

**

Buck slipped into Christopher’s hospital room quietly, closing the door behind him. The room was dark, except for a small lamp that they had on beside the hospital bed that Christopher lay in. Buck walked over to the bed quietly, taking in the sight of Christopher, worried about the physical damage the accident had caused him. He looked at his face,which appeared untouched. He breathed out quietly in relief.

As Buck stood there, he heard a quiet sniffle. “Chris?” Buck’s voice was airy, resting his hand on the metal rail. He heard a whimper escape from the boy’s lips, and his brow immediately furrowed. “Christopher, it’s okay.” Buck allowed his hand to rest against the boy’s shoulder.

“B-B-Buck?”

Buck felt his heart stop at the scared stutter that escaped Chris’ lips. “Yeah, bud, it’s me. It’s late, you should sleep.” Chris shook his head from side to side. Buck breathed out. He was afraid to sleep.

Buck paused beside the bed. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise,” Buck told him, moving his fingers in a calming, circular motion against his back. “Sleep.” He coaxed, placing a gentle kiss against his mop of messy curls.

He pulled a chair closer to Christopher’s bedside so that he could stay close to Chris, within reach. “Buck.”

“What is it, Chris?”

Chris paused for a short beat. “Will you… rest with me?” Buck looked at Christopher wordlessly, toeing his shoes off and leaving them beside his bed. Silently, Buck climbed in next to him.

“It’s going to be okay,” Buck said, trying to assure himself, just as much as Chris, looking down at the little boy as he drifted off into a restless sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

Athena walked down the quiet hallways of the hospital, away from where Bobby’s fire family had been camped out for the last five hours. She stopped briefly in front of the chapel before she quietly stepped inside, finding the chapel empty, less for her husband’s figure seated at a pew with his head bowed. She was thankful that Buck had told her where she could find Bobby. As much as Bobby was the frame that held the 118 together, she knew that he was feeling this just as much as anyone else on his team. 

She wordlessly joined Bobby in the pew, eyes shifting to him. She was assessing what condition he seemed to be in, as though she were a triage nurse. Bobby’s eyes remained closed for a long moment after she was seated, a stray tear making its way down his cheek. “How did you know I was down here?” He broke the silence after a long beat, eyes opening as he spoke. Athena reached over, her thumb brushing at the tear that had slipped down his cheek.

“There are only so many places you’d wander off to in a hospital, Bobby.” She paused then, stopping Bobby with a slightly humored glance. “Well, that and Buck told me you were here.” Bobby didn’t attempt a smile then, he just nodded his head slightly. Athena reached over, grabbing hold of his hand and squeezing. “You doing alright, Captain?”

“I’m hanging in,” He said. “I’m tired, and I just want to be sure that everyone is okay.”

“We should go home so that you can get some rest.” 

Bobby shook his head in protest. “I’m not leaving Buck here by himself. He’ll get inside his own head too much. And they said that we should be able to see Eddie soon, I want to spend some time with him,” Bobby explained. 

Athena’s lips curled up into a small smile. “Bobby Nash, do you ever stop being a hero?”

**

Hen had returned to the hospital after she’d gone home to see Karen and Denny. She had grabbed a shower and taken a short nap. And then, she allowed herself the time to really appreciate the fact that her wife and son were both home and _ safe_. When she’d arrived back at the hospital she’d spotted Athena in the same corner of the waiting room, coffee in hand. 

“Hey, Thena.” She breathed out with a tired smile. She held up the drink carrier from the coffee place which held four steaming coffees. “I brought some decent coffee for you guys, figured you could use it after spending the night here.“

“You are a saint, Hen.” Athena embraced her friend briefly before tossing her terrible coffee in the trash and grabbing one of the coffees from the tray. 

“Any news on our boys? Are Bobby and Buck with them now?”

“Nothing has changed with Eddie. They want to keep Christopher for observation today, but they think they’ll be sending him home tomorrow.” Athena paused, hoping that Chris would be able to find the stability that he needed amidst all of the chaos with the accident, and his dad not being around. The kid had already had a rough year, with losing his mom. And now his dad was in the hospital, and he could end up losing him too. It was all too much for a kid as young and full of heart as Christopher. “Bobby’s with Eddie, and Buck spent the night in Christopher’s room. You can go back and see them if you want, visiting hours have started, and they said as long as there are no more than three visitors at a time, we should be okay. Isabel said she’d be back up here in about twenty minutes.”

“I think I’ll go see Eddie.” Hen stilled slightly at the thought, she knew that it wasn’t going to be easy to see Eddie like that. But he needed to know that there were people here that loved him and that he needed to fight to come back to them.

**

The night had been a restless one, Christopher whimpered on and off throughout the night and Buck had been there to comfort him and help to ease him back to sleep. The nurses had checked on him a few times, and let Buck know that they’d be taking Christopher for some tests after breakfast. Buck still laid beside Christopher on the too firm hospital bed, fingers curled gently into Christopher’s back as a constant assurance that he hadn’t gone anywhere.

“If it isn’t two of my favorite boys, in one place,” Carla said with a smile. Buck lifted his eyes to hers, noticing that Bobby stood beside her in the doorway. That must have meant that he’d survived the night with Chris, and they’d finally rolled around to visiting hours. He lifted a finger to his lips, indicating for her to keep her voice down. Buck tried to slip from the bed quietly without disturbing Christopher.

“Bucky, where are you going?” There was a fear in his voice that gutted Buck.

“I’m just going over here to talk to Carla and Bobby. They’re going to bring your breakfast by in a couple of minutes, and then they need to take you for a couple of tests. But I’m going to stay up at the hospital with you, alright? There is nowhere else I’d be.”

Chris bobbed his head up and down with understanding. “I’m not hungry for breakfast,” He grumbled.

“I know, bud.” Buck placed a gentle kiss against Christopher’s forehead. “But you need to eat so you can be strong, and so that they can see that you’re okay, and you don’t have to stay in the hospital for a long time.”

Buck’s mind had raced all night, with worry over Eddie keeping him awake. The thought that he might have to live his life without catching a glimpse of Eddie’s eyes again broke him in a way that he’d never expected. The thought that he might never be able to call Eddie when he was having a rough night, or that there might never again be a shared movie night with Eddie, Buck, and Christopher.

Beyond those fears, thoughts of what was going to happen to Christopher when he was discharged from the hospital kept swirling around in his mind. He considered every possible scenario, though he figured that Isabel would have Christopher live with her, until Eddie could take care of him. “Carla, can I talk to you for a second… in the hallway? I promise it will only be a minute.”

“Of course, Buckaroo.”

_________

“You know, I am really getting tired of needing to camp out at the hospital because of you and your bone-headed sidekick.” Hen said to Eddie, trying to mask her worry with humor, even though there was nobody there except for her unconscious friend. She reached out for Eddie’s hand, letting her head fall forward slightly as she felt the tears that had been welling in her eyes fall. Aside from Athena and her wife, of the people in Hen’s life, the ones that she was closest to were her friends and family from the 118. In the few years since Buck and Eddie had joined the team, she had bonded with them in a way that could only be described as the love of siblings. They ribbed each often, occasionally got snippy after long shifts, but the love that they had for one another was unbreakable. 

And every time that something had gone wrong in their lives, every medical emergency, she felt like someone was grabbing hold of her heart and ripping it out. They were like the little brothers that she never had, and the feeling of helplessness was overwhelming. 

Her thoughts were disturbed as she sensed another presence in the room. Lifting her head, she caught sight of Buck standing near the doorway awkwardly. “Oh, Hen… I’ll come back.” His voice was barely above a whisper, and Hen noticed the way that Buck looked around the room, eyes looking everywhere but at Eddie.

“Buck.” Hen’s voice grounded him, and he stood frozen in the doorway. “You don’t have to leave on my account. I can come back later so you can spend a little time with Eddie, he needs you right now. I wanted to check on Christopher anyway before I have to head home and relieve Karen.” 

Buck let out a shaky breath, nodding his head. Hen took in the sight of him, the darkness and pure exhaustion that radiated off of him. She pressed her lips together for a short moment. “If you need anything, don’t hesitate okay?” He simply nodded, and Hen placed a quick kiss against his cheek before she slipped out of Eddie's room.

His eyes lingered on the door after it had closed, trying to quell the anxiety and fear that he could feel bubbling to the surface. Usually, when he felt this way, Buck would lean on Eddie. But he knew that he couldn’t do that right now.

Buck didn’t know what to do when Eddie was laying there, and there wasn’t a thing that he could to do change it. Buck was usually the one that was hurt. He knew how to handle that, how to work through the physical pain. But he didn’t know how to be helpless when one of the most important people in his life was lying motionless in a bed, the beeping machines reminding him that Eddie was laying there, even if Buck had yet to take in the sight of him. “God, Eddie.” He felt the hot tears burn down his cheeks, resting a hand against the wall to balance himself.

He stood there for another minute, motionless, trying to pull together the strength to finally look at his best friend. Buck took in a deep breath before slowly turning around on his heels, eyes finally registering the sight of Eddie. He laid in the hospital bed, unmoving. There were tubes, and IV’s, a constant beeping from the machines that were registering his vitals. Buck’s feet were moving him closer, eyes taking in the dark purple bruise that was splayed violently against his forehead. “Eds…” He felt himself reaching out, his thumb gently grazing the bruised skin. “I am so sorry. So sorry.” Buck’s voice cracked, lowering into the chair that was nearly butted up against the hospital bed, feeling like his legs were giving out on him. 

“I have been so selfish. I pushed you away after the tsunami, and that was so unfair of me. I just…” Buck breathed out. “I didn’t know what else to do. You trusted me with Chris, and I lost him. I thought I’d lost him for good, and all I could imagine was having to tell you, Eddie. Tell you that Chris had died _ because of me _.” Buck moved his fingers to rest against the white sheet on Eddie’s bed, fingers tracing against the back of his hand. 

“How do you tell the person that you love the most in the world that you almost lost their entire world?” Buck let out a choked sob. “That’s why I pushed you away, Eddie. Because I felt like you and Chris, you both deserved better than me. But, I didn’t think about what that would do to you or how that could make you feel.

“And none of it was your fault. Not a single thing. That’s what I was going to tell you when we were going to talk last night. I was going to tell you that all of this was on me, and if you were upset with me and still needed space, it was okay. But I wanted you to know that I just missed you and Chris so fucking much. And I let my stubbornness and stupidity get in the way like I always do.”

Buck swiped at his tears, glancing at Eddie through blurry eyes. “You have to wake up, Eddie. You have to wake up so that I can tell you how much I need my best friend here...the only man that I have ever loved.” Buck swallowed hard against the words, the first time that he’d ever vocalized his true feelings for Eddie aloud. The tears rolled faster down his cheeks, his shoulders shaking as he cried at Eddie’s bedside. “Christopher needs you. Eddie, _I _need you and I just need to see those beautiful eyes. Please,” He pleaded. “Please fight to come back to us.

Buck was silent for a long time, sitting in the chair and holding Eddie’s limp hand in his, fingers tracing along the back of his hand. “I know that you need to rest, so you can get strong and wake up, and come back to Christopher. Come back to me. Come back to your family at the station, and to your abuela and the rest of your crazy family.” He rolled his bottom lip between his teeth, hard. “I might not be able to come up and see you as much as I’d like to be, Eds, but know it’s with good reason and not because I don’t want to be here with you, okay? “Buck leaned in then, placing a tender kiss on the top of Eddie’s head before he silently exited the room, leaving his heart laying in the middle of the uncomfortable hospital bed.

**

“Christopher is going to be discharged in the morning,” Isabel told Buck as they stood in the hallway, only a few steps away from the vending machines where Buck had gotten half of their nourishment from over the last 48 hours. “You’re welcome to come to see him at my house anytime, Buck.” She reached her hand out then, gently grasping his and squeezing.

“I appreciate that,” Buck told her with a tired smile, lifting the cardboard coffee cup to his lips before taking a tiny sip, trying to muster up the courage to have this conversation with Eddie’s grandmother. “But, I’ve been doing some thinking… about Christopher. I just, I think that it would be better for Chris if he were at home, in his own bed. With his own things.”

Isabel nodded her head lightly at his words. “If I could make that happen I would, Buck. But... I have to be around to help Josephine, and Christopher will be okay at my house.”

“If you’re willing to allow it…” Buck trailed off slowly, searching for the words as he looked at Isabel closely. “I’d like to stay with Christopher at the house, just until Eddie is awake and able to come home and take care of Christopher on his own. It’s closer to his school so that his schoolwork won’t suffer. It’s closer to his therapist, who he’s really going to need right now. And I’ve already talked to Carla, and we’ll get a schedule set up so that she can help with Christopher, and so that I could still come up here and spend some time with Eddie.”

Isabel stilled as she listened to Buck. “This is something you’ve really thought about, isn’t it? It’s a big commitment, are you sure that you’re ready to put your entire life on hold?” She asked, dark eyes studying him closely, as though trying to determine if he was ready for this. If he would be able to handle this weight.

“I’ve thought about it, a lot. My entire life _ is _on hold.” Buck emphasized. He knew going into this that it wasn’t going to be easy to sell Isabel on this idea, and he was going to do whatever he had to so that she knew that he was serious. Even if that meant baring his heart to her. “Eddie is my life, Isabel. I won’t be able to take another breath until your grandson is awake.” 

Isabel reached up a hand and gently cradled Buck’s cheek, the sadness in her eyes not allowing the smile to reach there. “You’re in love with him,” She stated quietly, eyes studying him intently.

The blond swallowed the growing lump in his throat, nodding his head minimally at her words. “I will take care of Christopher for as long as it is needed. I love him so much.”

“I know you love him, I do. But there is no telling how long this could be for. It could be for a few weeks, a few months… or, it could be permanently.” Her breath hitched at the thought, the thought of losing her Eddie causing her physical pain. Isabel had lost far too many people in her lifetime, and she couldn’t begin to consider life without Eddie. 

“I will take care of Christopher for as long as it takes, forever if that’s what it is,” Buck whispered.

Isabel silently embraced Buck, her arms pulling him tight against her in a way that only a grandmother can. “Okay. But on one condition? You let me help you whenever I can, and you let the rest of that family of yours help, too.”

“Deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll, my heart almost didn't make it through this chapter.


	13. Chapter 13

Buck let out a groan as he threw his elbow over his face. Yesterday had been his first twenty-four hour shift since he took over temporary custody of Christopher. It had been five days now that he had been living in Eddie’s house with Chris, and he attempted to sink down into the softness the pillow provided beneath his head. He heard the familiar sound of Christopher’s crutches as he reached the living room, where Buck had been sleeping. “Buck, you promised chocolate chip pancakes before I went to abuela’s.”

That he did. And the last thing that Buck was going to do was to lie to Christopher or disappoint him in any other way. Wordlessly, Buck sat upright on the couch, grimacing at the stiffness he felt throughout his back and neck, groggy eyes moving to Christopher. “Hey, Buck?”

Buck smiled as he seated himself on Buck’s makeshift bed. “What is it, bud?”

“Why do you sleep on the couch?”

He opened his mouth slightly, thinking about how best to answer the question. “Well, your bed is too small for the both of us.” Buck teased the boy, gently ruffling the loose curls on his head. In all honesty in the days since the accident, Buck had yet to set foot in Eddie’s room. He had his makeshift bed, and spent the majority of his time in Christopher’s room, the kitchen, and the laundry room. Even the load of laundry of Eddie’s that Buck had neatly folded still sat on the shelves in the laundry room, as though too afraid of what the reality of stepping into Eddie’s room would mean.

Being in Eddie’s home without Eddie there, it just felt  _ hollow.  _ Like there was this huge piece of the puzzle missing. And stepping foot into Eddie’s bedroom, that meant facing the reality that Eddie truly wasn’t there with Buck. He’d slowly fallen into the routines: helping Christopher prepare for school, breakfast, getting him loaded up and to school on time, housework, picking Christopher up from school when he wasn’t working, preparing dinner, and bedtime. He made it up to the hospital when he felt like he could handle it, and when Carla or abuela could take Christopher. But being at the hospital and visiting with Eddie, that seemed to be the harsher reality than the only half-occupied Diaz home. At least when he was at Eddie’s with Christopher, he had a distraction to help cushion the blow. 

“But you look like the couch hurts.” Christopher scrutinized, his face scrunching up slightly at the thought of Buck in pain. “My daddy’s bed is really comfortable.”

“I--”Buck breathed out slowly. “That’s your Dad’s personal space, Chris. His bedroom. I shouldn’t be in there while he’s not here.”

“We don’t even know if he’s ever coming home.” Chris’ words were emotional, and rough, and Buck had never heard that tone from him before. He could see the tears resting at Christopher’s waterline. “He might never come back, like Mommy.”

He gently wrapped an arm around Chris’s shoulders peaking in a soft tone, trying to keep his tone even, masking how completely gutted he was at Christopher’s words. “Christopher, we don’t talk like that, okay?” Buck had to push down past the wave of nausea that had ripped through him, hearing the thoughts had been running through the little boy’s head. At the thoughts that had been plaguing Buck every time he’d closed his eyes and tried to sleep.

“I know it’s scary right now, but your dad is really strong. He’s fighting to get home as soon as he can. Because he  _ really  _ loves you and misses you. But he can’t have us giving up on him, he needs us to get his strength from right now.” Buck dropped his hand, moving calming circles over his back for a few silent moments before Buck gently pulled him in for a hug.

“My dad knows how to be strong, like Superman.” Christopher nodded slightly, before glancing at Buck.

“Your dad is strong, just like Superman.” A genuine smile crossed Buck’s lips as he thought about Eddie. “How about we go make those pancakes? I could really use a helper, but I don’t know where I can find one.”

Christopher giggled at Buck’s words before raising his hand. “I can help, Buck.”

Buck grinned back at him. “On one condition. You don’t eat all of the chocolate chips  _ before  _ we put them in the pancakes this time.”

_______________

Buck didn’t have a shift at the firehouse today, and Chris was with his abuela. Buck had busied himself with tidying up the living room, dodging the matchbox cars and legos that had been scattered across the room throughout the morning. He felt a pit in the bottom of his stomach as he thought about heading back up to the hospital. But he knew that he needed to be there for Eddie just as much as he needed to be there for Christopher. Eddie needed to feel their presence and needed to know that they weren’t giving up on him. That he had things to fight to come back to, people to come back to.

As Buck was about to head into the kitchen and load the dishwasher, he heard an unexpected knock at the door. He swiftly made his way to the front door, surprised to see his Captain on the other side. “Bobby.” He stopped after the name had made its way past his lips. He felt his body tense immediately, his mind starting to race with all of the worst case scenarios. The last time that Bobby had showed up at his door unexpectedly he’d learned of Eddie and Christopher’s accident. “Come in.”

Buck closed the door behind Bobby as he stepped inside, watching as Bobby made his way into Eddie’s home. Buck couldn’t calm the racing of his heart at the anxiety of not knowing. “Did something happen?”

Bobby watched as the color drained from Buck’s face, and he moved forward, placing a hand on top of his shoulder before gently squeezing. “I just came to check on you, Buck. To see what I could do to help.”

“Oh.” The younger man nodded his head slightly, before he shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t think there’s really much to do.” Bobby glanced at him unconvincingly as he stepped further into the house, making his way to the kitchen. 

Buck watched from the doorway in silence as Bobby began to run water to do the dishes that were scattered on the counter. “Bobby, you don’t need to do those. I--I’m going to get to them.”

“I know you will, Buck.” Bobby turned to face him as the sink filled. “I’m not doing this because I think you’re incapable. I’m doing it because I want to. Besides, I really need someone to dry these.” He spoke, holding out a dishtowel to Buck. Buck took a deep breath, grabbing the towel from Bobby before joining him at the sink. 

“Bobby, I appreciate you coming here, I do…” Buck struggled to find the words to finish his thought.

“But you don’t want me here?” Bobby asked gently, setting the sponge down in the sink as he turned to Buck. “Kid, you’ve got so much on your plate. And adjusting to parenting a special needs kid, it’s not something that happens overnight. You’re working, taking over being a single parent and the financial burden that comes with it, and trying to deal with your best friend being in the hospital.”

Buck grabbed a plate from the strainer, drying it in silence. He grabbed the next one, repeating the process, wordlessly. “I just want to make sure you really understand that you’re not in this alone. You have me and Athena always, the rest of your family at the 118, you have Maddie and Carla, and even Isabel. You need to stop avoiding people, because we can’t be here for you if you won’t let us.”

“I just wish I knew the right thing to say to Chris.” Buck breathed out, putting the plates into the cupboard. “He acts like his usual self most of the time, but there are these moments… where he lets his fears out, and I don’t know what the right thing to say is. What if I make this worse for him?”

“He’s going through a lot right now. He lost his Mom not that long ago, and now he isn’t sure if he’s going to lose his Dad, too.” Bobby scrubbed at the pan in the sink for a beat before he continued. “Just be there for him the best that you can. It’s okay to let him know you’re scared, but you also need to continue with life. Has he seen his therapist since the accident?”

“Yeah, he went a couple days ago. He goes back in a few days. I am there for him, I try to say the right thing I just--I don’t know if that’s enough.”

“You are enough for him, Buck. You’ll be the strength to get him through this. And we’ll be your strength. You’re not in this alone.” Buck finished drying the last of the dishes before he sat down at the table. Bobby joined him silently, hoping that his presence would give Buck the strength that he was so desperately searching for. 

“I’ve been a terrible friend to Eddie this week.” Buck admitted quietly, his fingers tracing an invisible pattern on the table. “I’ve barely been up to see him. I try to keep myself busy here, and it all just feels so wrong. Being here without Eddie. Going up to the hospital and seeing his unconscious bruised face.” Buck paused, his brow furrowed. “And how fucked up and selfish is that? He was there for me when I was injured, and I have been avoiding being up at the hospital to be there for him.”

Bobby reached across the table, placing a gentle hand on top of Buck’s. “He’s still alive, Buck. Your friendship isn’t over, your chances at being there for him… those aren’t gone.” Bobby moved his hand, glancing over at a clearly hurting Buck. “And I don’t think you’ve been a terrible friend to him at all. You are taking care of the single most important person in Eddie’s life, without ever being asked. You are being his best friend, every single day.”

Buck brought his hands to his face silently, tears silently slipping down his cheeks as Bobby sat across from him, his presence comforting. He moved his hands from his face, swiping at his wet cheeks. “You want to go up with me to visit Eddie?” Buck asked after a long pause.

Bobby offered a gentle smile to Buck then. “I thought you’d never ask.” 

________________

Buck returned to the Diaz residence later that evening, after spending some time at the hospital with Eddie. He was thankful that Bobby had visited him today, and wondered what excuse he would have made for himself to not make the drive up to the hospital. And he wondered what regret he would have carried with him because of that decision.

Christopher was spending the night at his abuela’s, and yet Buck had still returned to their house instead of going home to his apartment. 

Buck walked over to the couch, grabbing the bag of his things. His fingers reached in, easily finding the leatherbound book before pulling it out. He flipped open the cover, skimming the pages that were filled with his handwriting. He stopped at the next empty page, curling himself up on the couch with a blanket and a pen.

_ Dear Eddie, _

_ I know that you only like to give Christopher pancakes on the weekends, but I made an exception today. I promised him that I’d make him pancakes, because it made him smile. That kid is usually so full of laughter and life, and staying with him for the past week or so… it’s been hard to see this side of him, that needs me to help him find reasons to smile. That’s probably one of the hardest things about parenthood, right, Eds? To watch your kid go through something and see them so changed and know that you can’t fix it for them.  _

_ I am trying my best to be ‘his Buck’ and to help him remain positive, for you. For him, too. But the fact is that everytime someone texts me, or calls me, or shows up at the door… I’m terrified that it’s more bad news. And I cannot wrap my head around the idea that I might never get to see you, my Eddie again. That probably sounds crazy. I don’t know why I wrote that, you’re not mine… but I feel like you’re as much a part of me as I am. I feel so lost without having you here, Eds. I want to pick up the phone and call you, and ask you what decision I should make for Christopher. I want to call you and apologize for being so angry at you the night of the accident. I want to go into the firehouse and see your stupid truck sitting in the parking lot, and know that we are inevitably going to bicker about something unimportant during the shift. _

_ But I can’t. I can’t ask you what is the right decision for Chris. I can’t call you and apologize for being such an asshole before. And everytime I show up to the firehouse your truck isn’t there, and it all just feels so  _ wrong.

_ I’m not losing hope, Eds. I’m not giving up on you. I’m just scared that you’re not going to open your eyes, and you’ll never know how I really felt. _

_ Not that you want to keep track, but it’s been 12 days since the accident. They did another MRI of your brain today, and said they didn’t like how the swelling looked. They’re going to repeat the scan tomorrow, and if it hasn’t gone down they’re going to do a procedure to drain the fluid. I will continue to be here for you, and for Christopher as long as it takes. I just need you to promise me that you’re not going to stop fighting, okay? Your family needs you back, the 118 needs you back. I need you back here with me, Eds. _

_ Always, Buck _

Like every night since the accident, Buck ended his night with writing a letter to Eddie. He silently changed into his pajama pants, moving back to the couch, and trying to will himself to sleep.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of a shorter chapter from me, but I felt like these two scenes needed their own chapter, despite the shorter length. Be on the lookout for another chapter at the end of the week. Thanks for the outpouring of love for this fiction, it doesn't go unnoticed.

Eddie’s family, both my blood and by choice, gathered in the waiting room at the hospital. Carla was staying with Christopher so that both Buck and Isabel could be up at the hospital with him. The news hadn’t been what they were hoping for. Doctor Arrigoni had done a repeat scan in the early morning, and the intracranial pressure had not gone down, much to their dismay. Unfortunately that meant that Eddie needed to go through another procedure, this time to drain the fluid and relieve the pressure. Leaving the intracranial pressure and not reversing it would mean permanent damage, and ultimately, death. But they had gone through all of the worst case scenarios of the procedure: brain damage, stroke, death. 

The feeling of helplessness and waiting, it was becoming all too familiar for everyone. Buck’s fingers strummed impatiently against his thigh, trying to find something to concentrate on, other than the worries that continued to race through his mind.

He felt the tightness in his chest as the anxiety creeped in, and he closed his eyes to try to push the unwanted feeling aside. “Hey baby brother.” He felt his sister’s comforting hand rub his back in slow circles, like she used to do when they were kids and he was hurt, or scared.

“Hey, Mads.” The words escaped his lips in a quick breath, though he didn’t open his eyes, or even attempt to carry on a conversation.

Maddie exchanged a pained look with Chim, before her eyes moving to her brother who was hunched over ever so slightly, his breaths shallow. She continued the soothing motion over his back, leaning closer so that her chin rested against his shoulder. “Just breathe nice and slow, okay?” Her voice was familiar and soothing, and he tried his best to focus on that. 

Buck nodded minimally, trying to escape into the comfort that his sister was trying to provide to him. He tried to mentally push away the image of the concerned glances that were no doubt being sent in his direction right now. He wondered if they were reconsidering his fitness to provide for Christopher, just like he was in this very moment. 

_______________

It had been a long day in the waiting room for everyone. Trying to keep themselves occupied so that they didn’t go completely insane while they waited. First waiting on the scans, then waiting for Eddie to go into surgery, to get out of surgery, for some sort of news. After finding out that he’d made it out of surgery without any major incident, Maddie and Chim, as well as Hen and Karen said their goodbyes and headed for the comfort of their respective homes. Maddie had a shift that she needed to get ready for, even after the long day she’d already had. And Karen and Hen needed to pick up Denny and get him ready for bed.

They’d been told that Eddie had made it through surgery as well as could be expected. He had made it through without too much trauma, and the pressure had been relieved, which was the best that they could hope for right now. 

“Buck, why don’t you bring Christopher over and I’ll make a nice dinner for everyone tonight?” Bobby suggested softly. “It would give Harry and Christopher some time to play. I think we can all agree that they haven’t had much time to just be kids these days.”

“I can’t tonight, Cap.” Buck hesitated for a moment. “Isabel is keeping Chris.”

“Buck?” There was an unspoken question in his voice, and Buck heard it loud and clear.

“Bobby,  _ I’m  _ fine,  _ I’m  _ not the one that you should be so worried about.” 

Bobby was about to respond to Buck, when a nurse made her way over to them. “Mr. Diaz is settled in his room. If you’d like to go back to see him, you’re more than welcome.”

“Go ahead, Bobby.” Buck’s words were without hesitation, as he seated himself in one of the empty chairs. He had become an expert in the ways of avoidance over the last several months. Bobby opened his mouth to object, but Athena waved him off.

She placed a gentle hand on his arm, before mouthing to her husband, “I’ve got this.” Without any additional objection, Bobby walked away, following the all too familiar path to Eddie’s room in the ICU.

Athena seated herself beside Buck, placing a hand on top of his. “Buck, talk to me.” He glanced down at their hands in silence, before he lifted his eyes to study her face. There was a soft quality to her features that was rarely there, and Buck let out an audible sigh at the obvious concern.

“I’m not sure what you want me to say.”

“Whatever is on that mind of yours.” Athena assured him. “There isn’t a right or wrong answer here. But whatever is festering in there, it’s clearly not doing you or Eddie any good.”

He pursed his full lips together for a moment. “Did you know that TBI is the leading cause of death for people under 45? That of a few hundred thousand cases per year, that 50,000 of those result in death?” Athena watched Buck closely as he rattled off the statistics that had become ingrained in his mind since he’d begun researching TBI and the statistics regarding survival. 

“I can’t say that I knew either of those statistics.” Athena allowed a brief pause before she continued. “I have some statistics of my own that I’d like to share with you.” Buck raised an eyebrow slightly as he looked over at Athena. “Do you want to know the number of times that Eddie Diaz has  _ ever  _ quit? Zero. Because that man is a fighter through and through. And I refuse to sit here and watch you mourn him like he is already gone.

“He is in that hospital room, and he is fighting for his life. Every single second of every day. Fighting for his son. Fighting to come back to his family and his friends. To the firehouse, and this job that he loves. And you will not sit there accepting the lie that Eddie is never going to wake up. I understand that things weren’t perfect with the two of you when he had his accident, and for a while before that. But Buck, honey, that is water under the bridge. 

“Now is the time for you to do and say the things that you need to, to remind Eddie that he has something to come back to. Yes, it is hard as hell to sit there in that room and look at him. It is terrifying to watch someone that you love in that position. But since when do you run from things that are scary, Buck? You run into burning buildings, you have entered collapsed high rise buildings in an earthquake, you have swam through tsunamis and you save lives without so much as batting an eyelash. And the last thing that you do is let that fear swallow you whole.” There was passion, strength and determination in Athena’s words as she squeezed his hand. “Eddie needs you to help him pull through this. He needs  _ your _ love and he needs  _ your _ strength. Show him that you’re brave Buck, and that he can be too.”


	15. Chapter 15

Buck sat beside Eddie’s hospital bed in complete silence for a long stretch of time. He had brought the chair that sat in his ICU room as close as possible to the bed, hoping that Eddie would be able to recognize Buck’s presence, even if he weren’t actually conscious. Athena’s words had hit him. Hard. As much as he’d been there for Christopher over the past weeks, he hadn’t been there for Eddie as much as he should have been. He should have spent more time at the hospital, just sitting with Eddie. “You know, I had a good talk with Athena today.” Buck chuckled then, finally lifting his eyes to rest on Eddie. “Or, Athena had a good talk with me, I guess I should say.” Buck paused, gently turning Eddie’s hand, running his fingertips over Eddie’s palms delicately. The warmth of his skin was calming. “I’m not going to say I’m sorry, because I don’t think you really want to hear that. But, uh… I think there is something that you deserve to hear.”

Buck reached down into the messenger bag that he’d brought along with to the hospital, the familiar leatherbound book resting deep inside. “It was pretty hard for me to come down here, at first. But, um…” He gently placed the book on the edge of the bed. “Even though I haven’t been down here with you, I’ve been talking to you every day. Because I don’t think that I can take another day of not talking to my best friend. So you need to fight, okay?” Buck reached up, cradling Eddie’s face for a moment before withdrawing his hand. 

Taking in a deep breath, Buck opened to the first page of the book, which he’d written the first day after the accident. And he began, sharing the words that he’d written to Eddie. 

“_ Dear Eddie, _

_ I don’t know why I’m writing this letter to you, or even where to start. But my mind is racing, and I’m scared. And I know there is one person that I can turn to when I am uneasy and the world is hectic-- and that’s you. I know that things haven’t been the best with us lately, since the tsunami. And most of that is my fault. I was really hoping that we were going to get to talk about it last night, get things hashed out so that things could get back to the way that they used to be. But I think that we’ve both learned over the last year or so that life has a way of making its own plans, so we never got the chance to talk. _

_ I showed up at Manny’s with so many things that I wanted to talk to you about, Eddie. About the tsunami, about our friendship, about me not dealing with things and pushing you away when that was the last thing that I should have been doing. You need to wake up, Eds, so we can talk. So I can tell you all of this face to face.” _

Buck set down the journal on the side of the bed. He had spent a great deal of time at Eddie’s bedside, reading the letters to him. It had been cathartic for Buck to write the letters in the first place, to actually get his feelings and his thoughts down onto paper and out of his head, if only momentarily. But actually speaking them to Eddie, it wasn’t like reading some random pages from a journal. Buck felt like the first time in a couple of weeks he was having a conversation with his best friend. 

He told Eddie about the accident, about how well Christopher was doing and how quickly he was able to get back home, and that he’d only missed a couple days of school because of it. He explained to him how Buck was dealing with not having him around to talk to, how strange things were at the firehouse without having him there, how Buck was surely driving every single one of them mad by now. He told Eddie that he’d taken over temporary custody of Christopher, and that he hoped it was okay. He hoped that he was taking care of Christopher in a way that he might approve of. Buck shared his struggle with decision making, hoping that he was making the right call, the one that Eddie would have made if he were there and able. 

As Buck spoke about Christopher, a realization hit him. He flipped the book face down on the bed, reaching back into his bag. “Chris and I were talking the other morning, before we made pancakes.. And we were talking about how you’re the strongest guy we know. Chris called you Superman.” He paused for a moment, a small smile spreading across his lips. He pulled a Superman figure out of his messenger bag. “Chris wants to come up and see you, but I thought it was best that he wait right now. But-- he asked me to bring this up to you, so you can remember how to be strong like Superman. Like you’ve always been.” Buck placed the figure on the table beside Eddie’s bed.

He moved closer to the bed, sitting cautiously on the edge. There was a comfort and a calm that he felt in being so close to Eddie, despite the fact that Eddie was laying there silently fighting to stay with them. “I just have one more letter for you tonight, Eds, then you’ll be all caught up.

“_ Dear Eddie, _

_ These last few weeks have been harder than I could have ever imagined. And it reminds me that life is short, and that me pushing you away because I was afraid of my feelings and how you’d react to them was crazy. You’re having surgery today to remove reduce the pressure in your brain. I am hoping that it helps you to turn a corner and come back to us. To me. _

_ I can tell Bobby is worried about me, worried about the way that I am dealing with everything. He wanted me to come over tonight with Chris and spend some time with him and Athena. Chris is with Abuela tonight, which is good. I was going to use it as an excuse to go back to your house and just… exist. Maybe avoid your room some more. But then Athena sat down next to me when Bobby came back to see you, after you got out of surgery. _

_ She reminded me that you are the strongest person I’ve ever known. That you have a fighter’s spirit. That you would never give up on Chris, or your abuela, or your family, or friends. So I need you to hear me when I say this, Eds. You have to fight harder than you have ever fought before. Because I refuse to let these be my last memories of you. Because I have so much to tell you, so many moments to tell you about with Chris. You need to show Chris that his real life Superman can overcome anything. _

_ And more than anything else, I need you to wake up so I can tell you how I feel. And if you don’t love me back, that is okay, Eds. But… I can’t go through the rest of my life wondering if you had felt the same. Wondering if we could have been something more. If we could have something like Bobby and Athena, or Chim and Maddie, or Hen and Karen. Because love like that, it’s worth fighting for. _

_ Always, _

_ Buck” _

Buck closed the leather bound notebook, placing his head forward against the bed, the coolness of the stark white hospital sheets, contrasting to the warmth that he felt from Eddie’s hand that rested motionless beside his forehead. He almost didn’t hear it. The nearly silent gasp, followed by a choked, “Buck.” And then, there was a hand on his shoulder that dragged him away from the conversation he’d just had with Eddie.

He breathed out a steadying breath, lifting his head from where it lay against the sheet, and from Eddie’s comforting warmth. “Hen.” He had no idea how long she’d been standing there for.

He recognized the tears, rolling down her cheeks as she blinked her eyes closed. She reached for him in that instant. He felt her arms circle around him, returning her hug without hesitation. “You love him.”

Well, that answered how long she’d been standing in the doorway of the room. Maybe a few weeks ago, or even a few days ago, he would have been upset with anybody knowing about his true feelings for Eddie. “Yeah.” His breath was shaky as he responded, feeling himself sinking into the comfort that his friend was providing. “I have for a while, but uh--”

“But you weren’t ready.” Hen pursed her lips together, pulling back ever so slightly to glance up at the taller firefighter. She placed a grounding hand against his shoulder, their eyes meeting. “I won’t say anything to anyone.”

“I appreciate that, Hen.” Buck told her, a tired smile playing across his lips. “I’m not ashamed of how I feel, I mean... not anymore.” There was a brief pause as Buck’s mind played back some of the moments from the last few weeks. The call with Michael the young transgender boy, and the conversation that he’d had with him. The moment of honesty that had come to the surface about his past, that he never thought he’s speak of again. Then, the conversation he’d had afterwards, the one with Bobby. Bobby’s unwavering words of acceptance and support. He finally felt as though it was okay to share all of himself with the people that he loved the most in the world. 

“I’m not trying to hide anything from anyone anymore.” There was a short pause as he pulled back from Hen a bit more, sitting carefully on the edge of Eddie’s hospital bed while she took a seat in the chair next to his bedside. “I just think that Eddie should be one of the first people to know.”

“One of?”

“Abuela may already know.” Buck scratched the back of his head.

Hen smiled at her friend who sat on the hospital bed, using both of her hands to wipe away the tears that had finally stopped falling. “I was wondering when you were going to finally let yourself in on the secret.” She teased with a quiet laugh.

Buck furrowed his brow at her. “Are you saying that you knew I had feelings for Eddie?”

Hen actually laughed then, and Buck couldn’t help but shake his head at the audacity. “Uh, yeah. You think you’re way better at hiding things then you are.” Buck rolled his eyes at her. 

“Thanks, for standing by me, Hen.” Instead of joking, there was a stillness and sincerity to Buck’s tone. He stopped for a moment, his eyes finding hers. “Again. You’ve always been there, even when everyone thought I was a total punk.”

Hen smiled. “You were a punk, but you just had some growing up to do. And you’ve done it, Buck. You’ve grown up. I barely recognize who you’ve become some days, especially these last few weeks. You’ve matured, and you’ve learned from all of these crazy experiences that you’ve had. You know, your near death experiences.” A small laugh escaped her lips. “ You and Eddie will have to exchange notes when he wakes up.” She reached over, placing a supportive hand against his leg.

“When he wakes up.” Hen repeated. Buck allowed her words to echo in his mind. Because Eddie would wake up, he had to.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to my beta, Starmaker | taxing-ninja on the buddie discord for editing this for me. You, sir, are a miracle worker.

Hen stayed for a little while with Eddie, before she needed to head back home. It was nearly eight when she slipped out of Eddie’s room in the intensive care wing. Buck was thankful that she’d come, and that they’d been able to talk. Although he hadn’t planned on sharing his feelings for Eddie with anyone until he had _ actually _talked about them with Eddie, it was a relief to have them out there in the universe. Buck couldn’t explain it, but feeling like he had someone in his corner fighting with him, gave him an extra ounce of strength that he didn’t know he needed. 

Buck situated himself beside Eddie’s bed, pulling a small navy throw blanket into his lap. His fingers traced an invisible pattern along Eddie’s palm, eyes following the trail where his fingers had been. “Since I don’t have Chris tonight, I can stay until they kick me out.” He let out a muffled yawn, covering his mouth with the crook of his elbow, so as not to disturb Eddie’s rest. 

He laid his head on Eddie’s bed, resting his hand gently on top of Eddie’s. As the ventilator created quiet puffing sounds in the otherwise quiet hospital room, Buck’s fingers carefully laced through Eddie’s. “You’re not alone.” He reminded Eddie in a soft whisper, kissing the back of his hand tenderly, before closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep.

**

Buck let out an uncomfortable groan, as he began to stir. The kink in his neck from sleeping beside Eddie’s bed was severe, and he attempted to rub the ache away as he sat upright. He blinked a few times, willing his eyes to focus. “Holy shit.” He mumbled, seeing that it was already 6:57 in the morning. Apparently the nurses had taken pity on him, and left him alone to sleep beside Eddie, because he hadn’t been disturbed by the nurses and asked to leave. He’d quickly gotten used to the cadence of beeps and puffs that came from the machines in the room, all of them monitoring Eddie’s vitals while sending all those important numbers back to the nurse’s station. Although he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to move his neck for a week, this had still been the most Buck had been able to sleep in weeks.

His hand was still resting on top of Eddie’s, and he swore he felt movement. Buck’s forehead creased slightly in confusion, eyes moving to search Eddie’s face. “Eds?” He heard the plea of hope in his voice as he spoke Eddie’s name. Desperate blue eyes raked over his features then, hoping to see _ something _, any sort of change. How desperate had he become that he was beginning to feel ghost touches that were certainly not there? He gently squeezed Eddie’s hand, as though to reassure him that he hadn’t gone anywhere.

He chuckled quietly to himself. “I’m going crazy.”

He shook his head at his own idiocy, grabbing his phone and checking for missed text messages. Before he looked through any of his missed messages, he immediately found Isabel’s name and sent her a quick text, checking in to see how Chris was doing. Her response was nearly immediate, letting Buck know that Chris was still sleeping and that he was doing fine. He’d missed Buck and was looking forward to seeing him later on today. A small smile spread across Buck’s lips at her response. “I miss you too, buddy.”

Buck let out a low breath, preparing himself, seeing the multiple missed text messages from Bobby. His eyes scanned over them quickly.

_Bobby checking to see if he wanted to stop over for dinner, or needed someone to talk to.  
Bobby asking Buck if he was doing alright.  
Bobby checking again to see if he was doing okay a short while after, when he didn’t get a response to the previous message.  
Bobby checking to see if he was home, and if he wanted some company. The messages stopped shortly thereafter._

Buck let out a low chuckle before he pulled up Bobby’s contact on his phone. He thought about calling him, but it was still so early, and he didn’t want to wake him. So instead, he sent him back a text message letting Bobby know that he was alright and that he’d spent the night at the hospital. He’d fallen asleep, which is why he hadn’t responded. He was still there, but would be getting Chris from Isabel later on.

Before Buck had the chance to put away his cell phone, he saw an incoming call from Bobby and smiled genuinely at the older man’s concern. He brought the phone to his ear, turning his back to Eddie as he glanced around the hallway of the neuro intensive care wing that Eddie had been staying in for a couple of weeks now . “Hey Cap,” he greeted.

“Hey Buck, how’re you doing up there?”

“I’m alright. It was long overdue that I spend some time with Eddie, after all of the avoiding I’ve been doing.” Buck admitted. “I was able to spend some time really talking to him last night. It felt good.” 

“That’s great to hear, kid. He’ll be talking back to you in no time.” Bobby assured him gently. They had all been fighting to keep spirits up, and Buck appreciated it. He needed that right now, and Eddie needed to know that they were all fighting right there beside him.

“Hen stopped by up here last night, too. We had a good talk about everything.” Buck paused, eyes focused on the quiet bustle in the hospital corridor. “Eddie’s really lucky to be surrounded by such amazing friends and family. _ I’m so _lucky.”

There was a strangled grunt and muffled noise behind him, and Buck was so startled by the unexpected sound, that the phone fell from his hand and clattered to the floor. With his heart exploding out of his chest, he breathed out a shaky breath, turning on his heels to take in the sight of Eddie.

And there he was, _ his Eddie _, in all of his glorious exhaustion. So beautiful and perfect, resting against the stark white sheets of his hospital bed. “Eddie--” Buck felt the familiar burn of tears behind his eyes, the welling tears blurring the sight of him. Buck blinked past the tears then, feeling them roll effortlessly down his cheeks. After weeks of wondering if he’d ever see them again, Buck took in the sight of Eddie’s hazel eyes, staring back at him. The lulling sound of the ventilator in the background reminding him that Eddie was unable to speak.

Buck swiped at his fallen tears quickly. “Eds, I’m gonna get a nurse, okay? So they can get that breathing tube out.” Buck spoke to Eddie gently, eyes resting on Eddie with concern, but also with unspoken relief that he was finally awake. The bruises on his forehead were almost gone, a faded yellow discoloration the only sign that they were ever there to begin with.

Eddie gave a hesitant nod, acknowledging Buck’s words.

Buck’s eyes finally glanced away from Eddie, moving to the forgotten phone that lay on the ground, call still open. He bent down and grabbed it in one fluid motion, bringing it to his ear. “Bobby, I’ll be right back.” He spoke, setting the phone down on the table as he slipped through the door and into the hallway. He locked eyes with Eddie for the briefest moment before he turned away from the door. Buck’s eyes caught sight of the nurse at the station which was almost immediately across from where Eddie’s room was. He took a couple of long strides until he stood at the station, fingers drumming anxiously against the counter. “Hey, uh, Eddie-- Eddie Diaz. He’s awake.”

He saw the nurse’s reaction, her tired eyes lighting up in surprise. “That’s amazing news, we’ll get a nurse right in, ok?” Buck didn’t hesitate at all before he turned on his heels, quickly returning to Eddie’s room, as though he was afraid to be away from him for too long. 

Buck stood in the doorway, looking at a tired Eddie sitting in the hospital bed, clearly forcing his eyes to stay open, the shadows under his eyes noticeable. “They’re gonna send a nurse right in.” Buck walked closer to Eddie’s bed, his hands resting on the metal rail, searching for the words to say to him after all of this time, now that he was finally conscious. He wanted to reassure Eddie, let him know that everything was going to be okay now.

Buck tried to prevent himself from thinking about all of the what-if’s and the unknowns. He took a moment to look at Eddie, really look at him, and relish in the progress that he’d made. “We... were all wondering when your stubborn ass was going to wake up.” Seeking out Eddie’s eyes, he rolled his bottom lip between his teeth, fighting a small smile. “It’s really great to see you awake, Eddie.” He placed his hand gently on top of Eddie’s, allowing a gentle squeeze.

As Buck prepared to open his mouth and speak again, he heard the sound of the nurse entering the room. “Mr. Diaz, it’s great to see you awake.” She moved closer to the bed, only stopping to glance at Buck briefly, as Buck’s hand fell away from Eddie’s. “We’re going to start by checking your vitals, and if everything looks alright we’ll get that breathing tube out for you. We’ve paged Dr. Arrigoni. There are some tests that we’ll need to do today… but, one thing at a time.” She offered him a reassuring smile, before she turned her attention back to Buck. “We’re going to need you to step out for now, sir.”

Buck saw Eddie’s eyes flash for the briefest moment, and the look was so unfamiliar. Buck had seen a range of emotions in his friend’s eyes so many times, but fear had rarely been amongst them. “It’s okay, Eddie, I’ll just be in the waiting room. I’m not going anywhere.” Buck assured him, watching as Eddie visibly calmed under the comfort of his words. Buck offered him an easy smile. “I’ll see you in a little bit, okay?” 

Buck grabbed his phone from the table, stepping out of Eddie’s hospital room with internalized reluctance. The last thing he wanted was for Eddie to sense that he was reluctant, but he felt like he’d already spent so much time in the waiting room over the past weeks. Now that he was finally conscious, he didn’t want to be away from Eddie.

Buck had been battling an aching fear that he’d wake up in Eddie’s hospital room, at his bedside, and that Eddie would still be unconscious. That he would wake up and realize that Eddie hadn’t returned to them at all.

“Buck? Buck?” Bobby’s voice made Buck snap back to the present, the urgent tone to Bobby’s voice making him realize that he must have been trying to get his attention for some time now. Buck reached the waiting room, pacing from end to end, thankful that the seats in the small room were empty. 

“I’m here, Bobby.” He assured him through the phone, pinching the bridge of his nose and trying to settle himself enough to speak. The rapid racing of his heart was so loud that he could hear it in his ears, each thump pulsating through to the tips of his fingers, making them feel numb.

“What happened? Is everything okay?” 

“It’s-- It’s Eddie.” Buck heard the sound of a car door closing in the background of the phone call. He felt the air leave his lungs rapidly, intentionally taking in a deep breath and focusing on the simple task of breathing.

“Tell me what happened, Buck.” Bobby urged him gently. 

Buck’s legs felt wobbly beneath him. He carefully positioned himself, his free hand moving to the arm of the uncomfortable upholstered chair, guiding himself down until he had something firm to rest against. “He’s awake, Cap.” 

A few moments later Buck heard his name, not realizing at first that the sound wasn’t coming from the open call on his phone anymore. “Buck.” Bobby was standing in front of him, Athena at his side. “When you didn’t answer, we got worried.” 

“I’m sorry Cap, I….” Buck’s voice trailed off, not even sure what he was about to say. Bobby sat down in the chair beside him, and Athena seated herself on the opposite side, effectively sandwiching him between them. Buck’s eyes closed, allowing himself to get lost in the comfort that they lent, Bobby’s arm wrapping around Buck’s shoulders and grounding him.

“You don’t have to be sorry.” Bobby assured him. There was a long, pregnant pause as Bobby exchanged a look with Athena, before returning his attention to Buck. “Have you seen him? How did he seem?”

Buck let out an uneasy breath, instantly wishing that he was in Eddie’s room so that he could hear what the nurse was saying to him. The questions were ready to burst out of him, but he blinked his eyes closed for another moment before he turned back to Bobby. “He seemed _ okay _.” Buck spoke cautiously, bringing a hand up to scratch at the back of his neck. “He seemed tired, a little scared, maybe. The breathing tube was bothering him.”

“Atta boy.” Athena placed a gentle hand on Buck’s knee, giving it a comforting squeeze. “See? I told you he was a fighter.”

Buck took pause at her words, before he nodded slightly. “I wasn’t in the best place when we talked the other day, I…” His voice trailed off, searching for words in his frantic mind. “I had lost a lot of hope, and I was scared to come up see Eddie like that. But, I’m so thankful you talked some sense into me, Athena.”

Bobby let out a laugh, eyes dancing with amusement as they shifted to her. “She has a real knack for that.” Buck laughed quietly, noticing Athena’s warning gaze, although a small smile danced across her lips. 

“You know how people say that when people are unconscious, that you should talk to them because they might be able to hear you?” Buck questioned.

Bobby thought about his words for a moment before nodding his head. “Yeah, I’ve heard that before. I’m not sure that I believe it, but it certainly can’t hurt to talk to them. I think they can sense your presence, if that makes sense.”

Buck rolled his bottom lip between his teeth. “Yeah, I get what you’re saying. I read this article last night that said out of all unconscious patients, there are something like 25% that can hear and understand and emotionally respond to what is happening around them. But they just can’t physically respond.”

Buck glanced down at his hands, his entire being a bundle of nerves. He’d read to Eddie last night in hopes that he might hear him, that it might get through to him. He’d hoped that he’d been able to hear him talking about Christopher, and how much Chris needed his Daddy back. And even though Buck was trying to keep things happy and normal for him, there was no substitution for Eddie.

He had hoped that those whispered confessions and conversations that he’d had while Eddie was asleep had stuck with him. But above all, he hoped that Eddie would be able to remember how much love he was surrounded by, even if nothing else stuck.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to my beta on this chapter, Starmaker | taxing-ninja (on the buddie discord/Tumblr) for the edit. I truly appreciate your killer editing skills!

The minutes seemed to drag by as they waited to be able to see Eddie after he had initially woken up. The nurse let them know it would be a bit before they’d be allowed back to see him. Aside from needing to check his vitals and remove the breathing tube, they needed to run a battery of tests to try to ascertain what permanent damage, if any, had been caused by the crash.

The waiting had allowed them the time to get a hold of Eddie’s other friends and family, and they had gathered at the hospital, much like the other long days and nights in the weeks prior. Only this time, they held a hope that they’d been too scared to cling on to before. They knew that they hadn’t lost Eddie, even if that meant he might not be the same as he was before the accident. And although it would be hard to lose the Eddie that they had known, knowing that he was alive and able to go on living his life would make everything else okay.

Buck felt his leg bounce lightly as he tried to calm his nerves and sit still. “The worst of it is over.” Chim told him, offering a reassuring smile. 

Buck nodded his head in acknowledgement. “I know, I’ll just feel better when he can see and talk to us, that’s all.” He ran his hands over his face before turning his attention back to Chimney. “I want to be able to tell Carla something, so that we can talk to Chris.”

Chim’s face registered understanding after Buck had spoken. They were all so used to Buck only having to worry about himself. In some moments it was easy to forget that over the last few weeks, he had taken on a new kind of life. One that entailed a lot of responsibilities and a complete life change. One that Buck hadn’t even considered not taking. “It will be amazing for you to get to share that news with him,” Chimney paused, offering a smile to Buck. “I know I like to give you shit, because you’re like a kid brother to me, but you’ve really stepped up since the accident. Chris is really lucky for that. And Eddie, too.”

There was a small shrug of his shoulders. “It’s really not a big deal, Eddie would do the same thing for me, for anyone in the one-eighteen.” 

Chim looked at him, not fully convinced at his words. However, the older firefighter chose not to say anything more.

It was a few hours later when the doctor had come out to speak with Eddie’s friends and family. They were told that Eddie was conscious and that the breathing tube was out, which was a definite step in the right direction. They had repeated the scans that they had done at the onset of the accident, trying to properly gauge his progress, and look for signs of permanent damage. Eddie had dozed off almost as soon as he’d been settled back in the room. He was suffering from a severe headache, which hadn’t surprised his doctors.

Eddie didn’t remember the accident, and it was unclear if there were other pockets of his memory missing as well. They were allowed to see Eddie, but they’d been asked to keep it brief since he needed his rest to try to get his strength back. He would need to do some cognitive exercises and undergo more tests in the coming days. 

They had all been happy to hear that he was able to have visitors, and that the scans looked normal considering his trauma. The headaches were a little unsettling, as well as the memory loss. They worried about what other pieces of his life that he might not remember. As a family, they did their best not to dwell on it, and revel in the fact that he had battled this terrible beast, and won. It was Eddie, afterall, and he always came out on top.

Abuela had been the first one to go back and see Eddie, and there seemed to be a never ending stream of Eddie’s close friends and family. They took turns going into his room to see for themselves that the breathing tube was out, and that he was finally able to breathe without the aid of the ventilator. The room seemed abnormally quiet in comparison to the night before, without the steady puffs of oxygen in the background.

Buck was the last one to go into Eddie’s room. The relief washed over him at being able to see Eddie’s entire face for the first time in weeks. He only stayed for a short while, choosing to sit beside Eddie’s bed silently, simply watching over him.

He stayed there for a while, not talking aloud because he didn’t want to wake Eddie. Buck sat beside the hospital bed silently, watching Eddie for a short time before he left, allowing Eddie to get some much needed rest. 

**

Buck made his way back to Eddie’s house after spending the afternoon at the hospital. As much as he wanted to spend more time with Eddie, he needed his rest, and Christopher needed him at home too. He made his way into the house, greeted by Carla. “Hey Carla, how’s everything been today?”

“He’s been great as usual,” Carla smiled at Buck. He followed her into the house, and to the dining room table where Christopher was finishing dinner.

“Buck,” Christopher greeted, excitement clear in his tone, “did you get to see my Dad?”

Buck ruffled the hair on the top of Christopher’s head affectionately. “I sure did,” Buck made his way over to the pot on the stove, serving himself a small portion of the ravioli that Carla had cooked for Chris. 

“And you wanna know what?” Buck asked, looking up at Chris with excitement, “your Superman that you had me bring up to the hospital? I think it helped your Dad wake up.”

Buck saw the change in Christopher’s face at his words. They had many conversations about the accident, and what that was going to mean for their family. Conversations that held a lot of information for such a young boy. They spoke about the impact of the accident, and how Eddie had to sleep until his brain was strong again. 

“He’s awake?” The tone in Christopher’s voice tugged at Buck’s heartstrings, doing his best to push down the tightness that he felt in his chest.

“Yeah,” Buck assured him softly, “I was wondering if you would be up to going to see your dad at the hospital tomorrow, with me and Carla?”

Christopher’s bottom lip quivered at Buck’s question. It had been over two weeks since Chris had seen him, since the night of the accident. And although he struggled to verbalize it to Buck, and despite the fact that Buck tried his best to hide his own fears of losing Eddie fromChris, those fears had been festering just beneath the surface. Tears began to fall steadily down the boy’s face, and Buck was at his side in an instant. 

“Chris, it’s okay now,” he soothed. Carla was on his other side, and rested her hand gently on top of Christopher’s.

“_You _ have been so brave for your dad. He’s going to be so proud of you when he sees you,” Carla’s voice wavered slightly, eyes finding Buck’s in the quiet, unshed tears clouding her vision for a moment. She cleared her throat before she rose to her feet. 

“I have an idea,” Carla said, as she turned to the boys at the table. “What do you say we skip the rest of dinner, and celebrate with a little dessert?”

Both Buck and Christopher happily accepted Carla’s suggestion, though Eddie would definitely have protested. While they still had the chance, Buck and Carla were going to let Chris bend the rules a little. Ice cream sundaes and cartoons seemed like the perfect way to celebrate the fact that Eddie was awake, and if everything went well, he’d be returning home soon.

After they’d eaten their ice cream, Buck and Carla had prepared to put Christopher to bed before they found themselves back in the kitchen, fetching a glass of wine for each of them. 

Buck raised his glass to Carla, a genuine smile spreading across his lips. “To Eddie.”

“To Eddie,” Carla repeated, holding the glass up to Buck’s and allowing the two stemmed wine glasses to clink together in the quiet kitchen, “_ finally _.” 

Buck took a few sips, before setting the glass down on the counter, turning his full attention to Carla. “I really want to thank you for being so incredible these last few weeks, Carla. You have been such a source of strength for me and Chris. I couldn’t have made it through this without your help.”

Carla followed suit, placing her glass of wine down before she stepped closer to him. “Buck, I would do anything for Eddie and Christopher. _For_ _you_,” she emphasized, enveloping him in a hug that was so full of love, he felt all of his fear and stress dissipating.

“We’re all so lucky to have you, and I don’t think that you hear that often enough.” Buck said, as he took a step back and out of her hug.

“Now that you have that off your chest, and Eddie’s awake... don’t you think that it’s _ time _?”

Buck looked at her with a quizzical expression, “Time for what?” 

“To stop living in fear,” Carla offered, making her way to the laundry room with Buck following behind her. She grabbed Eddie’s clothes that had been sitting neatly folded on the shelves since just after the accident. “I think it’s time you put these away, because Eddie is coming home. You don’t have to be afraid anymore, you can have hope,” she finished, placing the folded clothes into Buck’s hands, gently patting him on the cheek. 

“I have to get going, Howard told me that he’s forgotten what I look like, so I figure I should spend a little time with him before we head back to the hospital tomorrow. Just call or text me and let me know what time to be here, and we can go up together, alright?” Buck smiled at her appreciatively and said goodbye before he returned to the loads of folded laundry that he had yet to put away.

Buck neatly stacked the clothes into a laundry basket before he made his way down the hallway in silence. He paused at Eddie’s bedroom door, which had been closed for two weeks, and left untouched. 

Buck finally placed his hand on the door knob, letting a steadying breath out before he opened the door to his room. His eyes instantly moved to Eddie’s neatly made bed, placing the laundry basket on the corner. After weeks of avoidance, Buck finally admitted to himself that Eddie lived here too. That he wasn’t just some ghost of a person that used to inhabit the house with Christopher. Eddie wasn’t just a memory, he was still alive, and he was finally awake. 

“You’re coming home, Eddie. You’re _ really _ coming home,” he whispered, putting the clothes neatly away in the drawers, along with the fear that Eddie wouldn’t be returning to them.

**

Carla, Buck and Christopher arrived at the hospital before noon on the following day. Eddie was being moved from the neuro intensive care wing of the hospital before they arrived, and Buck was thankful for that. He didn’t want to bring Christopher into the ICU, if it was at all avoidable. As that weight had been lifted, Buck felt the tension he was carrying with him begin to ease, as Eddie’s condition improved.

Aside from the headache that they were helping Eddie to manage for now, and the minor memory loss that he’d experienced, Eddie was doing better than they had expected. Buck was thankful for the text messages, updating him on Eddie throughout the morning, since he hadn’t been able to spend it up at the hospital. 

“Let me just find out what room he’s in, and then we can go to see your dad, ok?” Buck spoke to Christopher as they made their way inside of the hospital, the sound of Christopher’s crutches echoing off of the tile floors. 

The smile on Christopher’s face was unshakeable. “Ok, Buck.” 

After checking in at the main desk at the hospital, Buck got the information on what room Eddie had been moved to. They made their way through the hallways, until Maddie and Chim came into sight. “He’s just finishing up with lunch,” Maddie smiled at her brother, her smile reaching her eyes for the first time in weeks. 

Although she and Eddie weren’t that close, she had been terribly worried; about Eddie, but more than that she had been concerned for her brother. Watching him come apart at the seams during this entire ordeal, and knowing all the extra responsibilities Buck had taken on, had forced her worry into overdrive. But looking at her brother now, she could see that he looked lighter on his feet, and that he wasn’t being so heavily weighed down by the accident.

“I’m gonna stay out here and catch up with Chim and Maddie, if you and Christopher want a few minutes with Eddie,” Carla told him, watching as Christopher and Buck continued the short distance down the hall until they were at Eddie’s door. 

“You ready?” Buck asked Chris with an encouraging smile.

After he nodded excitedly at Buck’s question, Buck led the way inside. It was much less overwhelming than his room in the ICU with half of the machines that had been running to keep Eddie alive, and for that Buck was thankful. “Hey Eddie, I brought someone with me to see you, I hope that’s alright.” He smiled as Eddie looked away from the television, glancing over at Buck.

A moment later Christopher made his way into the hospital room, his crutches clicking against the floor more rapidly as he tried to hurry to get closer to Eddie. “Daddy!”

“_Christopher_,” Eddie’s heart swelled as his boy finally came into sight, he quickly pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to quell the tears that were forming. Eddie turned his attention to Buck a moment later as Chris reached the side of his hospital bed, tears running down his small cheeks. “Can you help him up here?” Eddie asked, his voice cracking from the emotion of the moment, as well as lack of use.

Buck nodded instantly at Eddie’s request, glancing at him briefly to evaluate where he was connected by IVs and monitoring devices. “Yeah, of course.” 

He stepped closer, gently placing a hand on Christopher’s shoulder. “Let me take those crutches, and we’ll get you up there with your dad, ok?” Buck took the crutches easily before expertly lifting Chris up, carefully placing him on the bed beside Eddie.

“Oh, _ mijo_, I have missed you,” Eddie’s eyes closed briefly, as he barely kept hold of his composure. He placed a tender kiss on his son’s forehead. 

“I missed you too, Daddy. Buck said you had to stay here and get better, but you might be able to come home soon. He said Superman helped make you strong again.” 

Eddie brushed his hand without the IV attached over the back of Christopher’s head in a slow and calming motion. He glanced to Buck with tear rimmed eyes, mouthing a soundless ‘thank you’. 

Buck didn’t know how long he stood there, watching over Christopher and Eddie before Carla joined them in the room. She hadn’t seen Eddie in several days, since before he had regained consciousness. 

They visited for a short while, just the four of them. It was nearing dinner time and Buck needed to get Christopher back home since he had school tomorrow. “I’ll stop by tomorrow, Eds, since I don’t have a shift.”

“Why don’t you stay here for now?” Carla suggested, placing a hand on Buck’s arm. “I will take Christopher home and get him fed, bathed, and ready for bed,” she explained. “Then tomorrow you can drop Chris off at school, and come back up to the hospital, if you want.”

Buck seemed to hesitate for a moment, and was preparing an argument when Carla shot him a warning glance. “Okay, that sounds great Carla, thank you.”After a few minutes of goodbyes, Carla guided Christopher out of the room with the promise that he would be able to stop by and see Eddie after school tomorrow.

Buck glanced to Eddie in the quiet hospital room. “So, uh, how’s the head?” Buck asked gently, worried that speaking too loudly might physically hurt Eddie.

There was a brief pause as Eddie shrugged his shoulder slightly. “It’s manageable.”

“Chris was over the moon about coming up here today.”

Eddie nodded silently, dropping his eyes to his lap for a moment. “I’m sorry he had to go through all of this. That you’ve had to go through this.” He reached for the styrofoam cup on the tray, taking a couple small sips to soothe his aching throat.

“It’s not your fault, Eddie. None of this is your fault,” Buck spoke, his forehead creased for a moment with an unreadable emotion. “It has _ sucked _ having you in the hospital, but don’t think for a second that any of that meant that I didn’t want to be there with Christopher.”

Eddie knew that Buck loved Chris, and that Chris loved spending time with Buck. However, having fun days together and being a parent were completely different. “Thank you, Buck, for taking care of my boy.”

A soft smile spread across Buck’s lips. “I would do anything for him, Eddie. You don’t have to thank me for that,” Buck’s eyes remained on Eddie for a long moment, studying him. He watched the way his hazel eyes stared back at him, and he wondered what Eddie was thinking, and what he remembered. 

Whatever he remembered, and whatever he was thinking, Buck felt truly hopeful that they would be able to work through it together.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to my beta on this chapter, Starmaker | taxing-ninja (on the buddie discord/Tumblr) for the edit. I truly appreciate your killer editing skills!

It was hard to believe that after all the obstacles that had been put in the way of their friendship, it was a near-fatal accident that had brought Buck and Eddie in a room together, to finally put their issues to rest. Granted, it was, yet again another hospital room. They had become too familiar with this hospital, between Buck’s crush injury from the fire rig, his pulmonary embolism, and now Eddie’s near-fatal accident. If there was a frequent flyer program for hospitals, they would have earned a free hospital stay by now. 

“So, you don’t remember the night of the accident?” Buck asked Eddie gently. Apart from not remembering the accident, Buck wondered if Eddie was hazy about the rest of that day too. There was a possibility that he didn’t remember Buck pressuring him to talk until he’d finally agreed upon meeting Buck at a restaurant so they could hash things out.

Eddie hadn’t felt comfortable enough with Buck to have him over to his house that night - that was how drastically their friendship had changed in just a few short months. They had gone from being inseparable, to Eddie feeling uncomfortable with the thought of having Buck over to his home for a conversation. And now, in the three weeks since Eddie had been in the hospital, Buck had been living in his home. 

“I don’t remember the accident. I remember most of the day. It just, kind of… cuts off?” Eddie tried to explain the gap in his memory and he sighed. “I wish I could remember.”

Buck’s eyebrows knit together in confusion. “Why would you want to remember the accident?”

“What if I could have done something to prevent it?”

“Eddie, the driver was _ drunk_. This was not your fault in any way. And even if the driver wasn’t drunk, what is remembering the accident to try to shift the blame on yourself going to do?” 

They sat in silence as Eddie shifted uncomfortably on the bed. “I just feel like Chris can’t catch a break,” he sighed heavily, “first Shannon dies, and now this.”

“Chris is fine,” Buck assured him, laying his hand on top of Eddie’s and giving his hand a gentle squeeze, “I promise. I’m just sorry that I pressured you into meeting me. If I didn’t do that, maybe you would have avoided the accident entirely.”

“I shouldn’t have made things as hard as I did, Buck, even if you were being a dumbass and pushing away your best friend.” Buck let out a quiet chuckle, catching the small smirk that played on Eddie’s lips.

“Yeah well, I think we’ve established that I was an idiot.”

The smirk fell away from Eddie’s lips, and a more earnest look crossed his features. “Buck, why did you feel like you needed to push me away?” Eddie asked hesitantly. 

Buck felt a tightness in his chest at the question, the memories of how effectively he’d pushed Eddie away making his heart ache. For what Buck had gone through, with his nightmares and inability to cope, but also for Eddie because he’d never once explained any of it to him. He’d never explained to Eddie why he needed his space, and he couldn’t imagine what that must have felt like to Eddie.

He rubbed a hand roughly down his face. “The tsunami, it… did a number on me. I can’t ever remember being that scared before,” his voice quieted before his eyes found Eddie’s. “At least, not until these last few weeks.

“You’re my best friend, Eddie. Chris is the single most important person in your life, your world revolves around him. I love that kid _ so _ much. I had him, then lost him. I spent an entire day screaming and searching and praying to God that I could find him. _ Anywhere _.” Buck swallowed hard past the tightness that was lodged in his throat. “And every time I would help someone to safety while I was searching for him, all I could think was it wasn’t good enough because it wasn’t Chris.”

It had been months since the tsunami, and yet as he sat there finally talking about what had happened with Eddie, he could feel the anxiety of it all coming to surface again. The nightmares that had plagued him, night after countless night, flashed angrily in the back of his mind. “I failed him, Eddie. I failed you and I couldn’t face that. _ I couldn’t face you _.”

“Buck, you didn’t fail me, or Chris for that matter. If he had been out there with anyone other than you…I don’t even want to think about how it all would have ended. There is nobody else who would have fought to find him until they couldn’t physically stand. You searched for twelve hours. You _ never _gave up on him, not for a second.”

Buck nodded at his words. “I know that now, logically, it’s just-” His struggle to find the right words to explain it all Eddie was obvious as he stopped mid-sentence. Self-doubt festered deep in his gut, as he fought to find the courage to tell Eddie how he truly felt.

He had confessed the truth to Eddie and explained his actions in the letters, while Eddie was still unconscious. It was so much harder now, with the threat of rejection lingering in the air. Buck’s eyes lowered, heavy with uncertainty. 

“What is it?” Buck could feel Eddie’s eyes on him as he asked. Buck promised himself that he would talk to Eddie, that he would tell him everything at the first opportunity because they’d already lost so much time. “Buck, look at me.”

After a moment, Buck lifted his gaze and found himself looking at Eddie whose face was soft with concern. “Come here and talk to me. You can tell me anything. I know that I might not have been very understanding before the accident, but I’m seeing things a lot clearer now. And I refuse to let some misunderstandings and stubbornness get in the way now.”

Buck moved over to the bed, where Eddie was lightly tapping the empty spot beside him. There wasn’t much space but Buck somehow managed, finding his leg pressed against Eddie’s. He was distracted by his warmth for a moment before finally bringing his eyes back to Eddie’s even gaze. 

“I really hope that you feel that way in five minutes,” Buck joked as an uneasy laugh forced its way into the air. Eddie didn’t speak, hoping that his silence would urge Buck to continue. “I struggled a lot with losing Chris and feeling like I disappointed you after the tsunami. So, I pushed you away so that we wouldn’t have to talk about how I was feeling.”

“But, why?” Eddie persisted.

“This might change things between us _ forever _, Eddie. Once I tell you, there’s no going back…” Eddie opted to remain silent, watching Buck as the quiet of the hospital room surrounded them. 

“I love you, Eddie.” Buck paused, thinking about the chance that he might misunderstand what he was saying. Of course, they loved each other, they were best friends. “I am _ in love _with you, Eddie,” Buck confessed, eyes still heavy with uncertainty. There was a fear of how Eddie would react when the words finally settled in, and he understood what Buck was telling him. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, that my feelings were clouded with fear and that I pushed you away. That’s the last thing that I wanted to do. I was just so afraid to tell you. I didn’t know the right words to say and I still don’t.

“I’m sitting here terrified of what you are thinking. Not because I don’t think that you will feel the same way that I do, because as much as it would be hard… I could live with that. But because what if this changes things between us in the worst way? What if you don’t have the same feelings as me, and things are just awkward and-”

“Buck,” Eddie’s voice was firm, reaching out his hand and placing it on Buck’s arm, stilling him. “It’s going to change things between us.”

Buck nodded, “Do you think you can get past my feelings?” His voice was quieter now, his fear apparent.

“No.”

“Oh…” Buck’s voice was barely a whisper, letting his gaze fall to the linoleum floor below. “Well, I still think you deserved to know,” He managed. 

“I did deserve to know,” Eddie agreed, reaching out and gently sliding a finger beneath Buck’s chin and tilting his face until he looked at him. “I can’t get past your feelings, because I don’t want to, Buck. I have no idea how this would work or what we’d be getting ourselves into, but after these last few months, after almost losing you under the ladder rig, almost losing you in the tsunami…”

“After almost losing you in the accident,” Buck added. Eddie looked at him with a playful smile playing on his lips.

“After everything that has happened since the tsunami, it would be wrong to continue to ignore the universe,” Eddie said, a smile pulling at his lips.

“So what are you trying to say?”

“Jesus Christ, Buck. Do I have to spell it out for you?” Although Eddie’s voice sounded like it was bordering on annoyance, the smile remained on his lips as if it were a permanent fixture. “I think I know how to explain it to you.”

Buck looked at Eddie expectantly, waiting for an explanation, but was surprised when he felt Eddie’s hands gently cradling his face. Buck began to part his lips to ask another question when he felt Eddie’s thumb graze his lower lip. “Shhh,” Eddie silenced him.

Buck felt a jolt in his gut, the self-doubt that he’d been at war with being replaced with something warm as Eddie’s thumb slipped away from his lip. Buck’s heart raced against his chest more rapidly in anticipation. He moved his hand to rest against the back of Eddie’s neck, gently guiding his face closer and Eddie’s lips to his. The instant that Eddie’s firm lips moved against Buck’s, he felt something shift. 

The anxiety and fear that he’d been struggling with morphed into something else entirely. With the gentle tug and pull of their kiss, it was replaced by happiness, contentment, and relief, leaving a warm feeling in its place. Buck’s thumb danced against the exposed skin of Eddie’s neck gently, eliciting a quiet hum out of Eddie, the gentle vibrations reverberating between them. 

Buck shifted on the uncomfortable hospital bed beneath them, a silent reminder of where they were, and that Eddie had only been conscious now for a few days. Reluctantly Buck pulled back, his thumb sliding over the hollow of Eddie’s throat. “So, what you’re trying to say…” He trailed off, a smile winning over as he savored the lightness in Eddie’s laughter. 

“I can tell you again if my explanation was unclear,” Eddie offered, his gaze shifting to Buck’s lips. Buck met him halfway as Eddie claimed his lips, explaining it to Buck all over again.

**

Eddie was discharged from the hospital only a week later, after countless evaluations and tests. It was indicated that Eddie was going to need extra help once he was home, and Buck had made it known that he would continue to stay with Eddie and Christopher, for as long as he was needed. He didn’t mind, and staying at the Diaz household now that Eddie was returning home, felt _ right_.

Buck parked in the driveway, Eddie settled in the passenger seat where his teeth worried at his bottom lip. The movement didn’t go unnoticed as Buck glanced over at him, “you alright, man?”

“Yeah, just ready to be home and settled,” Eddie assured as he unbuckled, opening the door and making a move to step out of the jeep.

Buck quickly opened his door and made his way around to the passenger side to meet Eddie, checking to see if he needed help making the short walk to the door. Even though he had been discharged, Eddie would be in need of physical therapy until his strength returned. Buck watched Eddie closely before he was at Eddie’s side.

“I’m not going to break, you know.”

Buck shrugged, moving his hand to Eddie’s before lacing their fingers together. “I know, but after these last few weeks, can you humor me?”

“One day. I'll humor you for one day,” Eddie agreed reluctantly as they walked to the door, making it clear that he didn’t want to relinquish control. Buck finally released Eddie’s hand when they stood at the doorstep and he needed to unlock the door.

“You’re not alone in this, Eds,” Buck said, pushing the door open and letting Eddie step inside first. “Isabel said she’ll bring Christopher home at noon, so we have a few hours to get settled.” He stepped in behind Eddie, setting Eddie’s bag down once he was inside.

“I can’t wait to just be with him,” Eddie admitted, turning to look at where Buck stood, “with both of you.” A smile lit up Buck’s face. Eddie yawned, muffling the yawn with his hand. 

“Why don’t you go get settled? Do you need anything?”

Eddie asked for a glass of water, and Buck quickly disappeared into the kitchen to get it for him. 

“Buck, what is this?” Eddie called from the living room. Buck joined him in the living room, setting Eddie’s glass of water on the table.

“What is _ what _?” Buck asked with a low chuckle, before noticing the significant look on Eddie’s face. He motioned to what had been Buck’s makeshift bed for the past month.

“What is _ this _? Please tell me you were not living here, taking care of Chris, and spending your nights on the couch.”

“It’s not a big deal, really,” He promised, moving to take off the fitted sheet and pillows from the couch. “It was plenty comfortable.” 

“Buck, why were you sleeping on the couch when there was a perfectly good, unused bed right through that door?” He motioned towards his room, not able to understand.

A ragged breath escaped from Buck’s lips. “I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in your room, alright? It didn’t feel right, and I was so scared that you might not wake up, Eddie. Sleeping in your bed, it would have felt like me giving up on you, and I just… I couldn’t do it.”

Eddie’s eyes softened with understanding, taking the sheets and pillows from Buck’s hands and setting them on the couch. “You don’t have to worry about that anymore. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.” Eddie grabbed hold of Buck’s hand, gently tugging him into Eddie’s room.

“I thought you wanted to rest?” Buck asked as they entered Eddie’s room.

“I do, but I want to take a nap, _ in my bed _.” Eddie released Buck’s hand to pull back the covers. He sat down on the edge of the bed, before slipping his legs under the coolness that the sheets offered.

“Alright, I’m going to go make sure the dishes are done and-”

“No, you’re not.”

Buck’s forehead creased at Eddie’s interruption, “Eddie, I can’t have you running around trying to do everything.”

“You said you are here for whatever I need, right?” Eddie reminded him.

“I did.”

“I need you to lay down with me,” Buck felt Eddie’s hand on his own, gently tugging him, urging him down towards the empty side of the bed. “Because I’m not going anywhere. And the dishes will always be there.” He placed a soft kiss against Buck’s lips, watching him sink into the soft space beside him. 

Buck shifted on his side so that he could look at Eddie, his hand resting palm up in the empty space. Eddie turned onto his side, facing Buck and allowing his fingers to trace an invisible pattern against Buck’s palm. “So, I guess we owe Athena a thank you.”

Buck shifted his body, propping himself up on his elbow. “For what?”

“For reminding you that I wouldn’t give up. For making you realize that you needed to take a risk and tell me how you felt. For making you be brave enough to wonder if we could have a love like Bobby and Athena’s,” Eddie lifted Buck’s hand, placing a tender kiss against his knuckles, stealing a glance at Buck.

Buck felt his jaw slacken. “You knew… _ you heard _,” He corrected himself inching closer to Eddie, hovering over him with an accusatory glare.

Eddie bit down on his bottom lip, trying to tame the smile that was trying to spread like wildfire over his lips. “I just thought it would only be fair to actually allow you to admit your feelings to me while I was awake.”

“Only fair? You made me squirm, you son-of-a-bitch,” Buck let out a light laugh, dipping his head down to take Eddie’s lips with his own. A thought occurred to Buck, that for the first time in months, Eddie knew exactly what Buck was thinking. And for once that didn’t cause anxiety to ripple through him, instead, he felt an unfamiliar calmness settle within.

Buck drew his lips from Eddie’s, moving his thumb over the rough stubble along Eddie’s jawline. “Sleep,” Eddie’s eyes closed without argument, as he settled into the warmth of Buck beside him. For the first time that Buck could remember, he welcomed sleep. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I first started this fic, I was brand new into this fandom and ship. Only about halfway through did I discover the Buddie discord, and you all kept me motivated to write, and I look forward to all of the shenanigans there. Thank you for all of your support and for sticking it out for all 19 chapters. I have so many mixed feelings about ending this and ending this right, but I truly hope you all love it.
> 
> Special thanks to [ Starmaker | taxingninja ](https://taxingninja.tumblr.com/)( on the buddie discord/Tumblr) for becoming my beta for this story for the last handful of chapters. Your feedback and expertise helped to bring the story to the next level.
> 
> Enjoy!!

“ _ Daddy _ !” Christopher’s voice broke through the quiet that blanketed the room. He moved closer to the bed, his crutches clicking quietly against the floor, eliciting a groggy groan from Buck.

“ _ Christopher _ ,” Isabel’s voice came out as a gentle warning. “Let him sleep.”

Eddie shifted his body away from Buck, and towards the edge of the bed that Christopher was walking to. A smile split Eddie’s otherwise sleepy face. “Abuela, it’s okay,” Eddie assured Isabel, his voice rough from sleep. “ _ Mijo _ , come here.”

Without hesitation, Eddie began to reach for his boy, feeling Buck’s hand gentle against his arm. “Eds, you need a hand?”

“No, I’ve got it,” Christopher climbed into the bed so that Eddie wouldn’t have to lift him. If the last few weeks had taught them anything, it was that Christopher was more perceptive to what was happening around him than they realized. He was more in tune with Eddie’s feelings and limits than they had expected. Christopher settled into the empty space beside Eddie, his arms wrapping tightly around Eddie’s neck.

“I’ll be right back,” Buck murmured as he slipped out of the other side of the bed, Isabel’s gaze remaining on him. He followed her out of Eddie’s bedroom wordlessly. “Hey, Isabel,” Buck scratched at the back of his neck.

Isabel looked at Buck with a meaningful expression on her face. “You’re going to stay until Eddie can do this on his own? If not, I can make arrangements.”

“I said I’d be here as long as they needed me, ” Buck managed after a moment, his voice heavy under her scrutiny. “I meant that. Until Eddie is back to his old self, I’ll be here helping with whatever they need.” 

The serious expression on Isabel’s face seemed to melt away. “I knew I was right to trust you with them,” Her voice was barely above a whisper, the emotion that shook her voice discernable. Isabel would do anything for her boys, so the fact that she had trusted Buck, to begin with, wasn’t lost on him.

“I meant every word that I said to you at the hospital, Isabel.”

“I know,” Isabel’s eyes glistened with emotion, reaching up to cradle his face in the loving way that only a grandmother can. “And Buck?” She paused as a soft smile crossed her lips, her hand dropping away. “Call me Abuela.”

Buck let out a shaky breath at her words. She was asking him to call her abuela, like he was truly part of the Diaz family. “O-okay,  _ Abuela _ ,” He cleared his throat, as though trying to figure out what else to say to her, how to properly thank her for her faith in him.

“I need all of my boys to take care of each other,” Isabel said carefully, “You should get back to bed.”

Buck found himself stepping forward without hesitation, wrapping Isabel into a tight hug. He hunched into the embrace, “Thank you, for trusting me with Eddie and Christopher. For believing that I would do right by them.” He stepped back, following Isabel to the front door. 

“You told me that Eddie was your heart,” Isabel reminded him with a warm smile, “I witnessed  _ you _ being  _ his _ . I have watched those two boys go to hell and back. If I’m being truthful, I’ve never been so afraid of losing Eddie before, even when he was in Afghanistan. But this time, he had you fighting for him, and he came back. He came back because of his  _ corazón _ .” 

Isabel and Buck said their goodbyes in the doorway. Buck locked the door behind her, an unbreakable smile dancing across his lips. Buck stepped back into Eddie’s bedroom, seeing that Christopher was now curled up on the middle of the bed, where he was peacefully sleeping, his glasses on Eddie’s bedside table, his hand resting against Eddie’s chest. His eyes drifted to Eddie, who was gently rubbing his thumb against Christopher’s curls. 

“Sorry I was gone so long,” Buck whispered, carefully slipping beneath the covers.

Eddie’s hand stilled, propping himself up on his elbow so that he could look at Buck more closely. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah everything is gonna be just fine,” Buck answered, one of his hands gently cradling the back of Christopher’s head. It was the first time in the weeks that he had been caring for the boy, that he had seen him sleep peacefully. He fixed his eyes on Eddie, reaching his hand across the bed until their fingers linked together. Eddie looked tired and his recovery would be ongoing, but Buck was so thankful that he was home.

  
  


**

In the days and weeks that followed, they developed a comfortable routine. On the mornings before school, Eddie would prepare Christopher’s lunch, while Buck would wake him and get him dressed and ready for his day. Then the three of them would sit at the table together, sharing breakfast before they dropped Chris off at school.

Buck didn’t have to be at the station today, the crew had a few days off, so Eddie and Buck were sitting side by side on the couch in companionable silence. “What did you want to watch?” Buck asked, sliding his arm around the back of the couch, behind Eddie’s shoulder.

“You?” Eddie whispered back, a smile twitching at his lips.

An involuntary smile pulled at Buck’s lips at Eddie’s suggestion. He lifted the remote slightly, “I meant on TV.”

Eddie shrugged, taking the remote from Buck before setting it down. “I’m too distracted to watch anything on Netflix right now.” Buck yawned quietly into the crook of his elbow. “C’mere,” Eddie murmured, shifting his weight as he moved back onto the couch on his side, reaching an arm up for Buck as he settled back, resting on the throw pillows behind him.

Buck hesitated briefly, laying down on the couch, Eddie’s body pressed against Buck’s back as he spooned him. “Close your eyes,” Eddie whispered, placing a tender kiss at the base of his neck, his thumb moving in a calming motion beneath Buck’s shirt, at the crook where his shoulder and neck met. 

“Eds-”

“Shhh, all you do is take care of us. Let me take care of you,” Eddie’s lips brushed against the back of Buck’s neck, Eddie’s scruff brushing the delicate skin there as his free arm wrapped around Buck’s waist, arm hanging over the edge of the couch. Buck hummed as he felt himself relax, his eyes slipping closed at the gentle contact.

Buck gently reached a hand out, his hand easily finding Eddie’s that hung at Buck’s waist. Buck’s fingers linked through Eddie’s, Eddie’s thumb rubbing gently against the length of Buck’s hand. “G’night, Eddie,” Buck’s words slurred together sleepily. A small chuckle escaped Eddie’s lips, pressing another kiss to the back of Buck’s neck.

“Goodnight, Buck.”

**

Buck didn’t know how long he slept in Eddie’s arms on the couch, but as he woke up, he could still feel Eddie breathing evenly behind him. Carefully, Buck moved Eddie’s arm from around his waist, slowly sitting up on the couch. He glanced at the clock, checking to see how long until they needed to pick Christopher up from school - they still had a few hours left.

“Hey,” Eddie murmured groggily from behind him, shifting himself upright. “Where are you going?” 

“I’m gonna go put the laundry away. Go back to sleep,” Buck urged, bending down to place a tender kiss on Eddie’s forehead before he walked out of the room. 

Eddie groaned sleepily, running a hand over his face as he tried to wake up. Eddie peered at the two duffel bags that sat beside the couch which had been there since he first came home a few weeks ago.

Eddie swung his legs over the side of the couch, grabbing the two duffel bags from the floor and walking into his bedroom with them. A minute later Buck joined him, with a basket full of folded laundry. “This does not look like sleeping, Eddie Diaz,” Buck teased. He stepped forward, pulling open one of Eddie’s dresser drawers and putting away a few pairs of Eddie’s joggers. 

“Buck, put these away,” Eddie walked over to where Buck stood in front of the dresser, handing him a stack of Buck’s neatly folded clothes that Eddie had pulled from one of Buck’s bags.

“ _ Eddie _ .”

Eddie ignored Buck’s plea, shaking his head slightly. “I think it’s time that you stop living out of bags.”

“It’s fine, Eds, I’m here to help you out. I don’t need to take over your life,” Buck set the stack of clothes on top of the dresser, leaning back against it as he turned to face Eddie.

“Is that all you’re doing here, Evan?” Eddie hummed in disbelief, crossing his arms over his chest, stopping Buck with a serious look on his face. “Helping me with housework and with Chris?” 

“What? I- no,  _ of course not _ ,” Buck stammered briefly, taking a moment to sort out his thoughts, closing the distance between him and Eddie. “I’m here because I want to be, Eddie. We’ve wasted so much time already.”

“Then we’re on the same page,” Eddie smiled, placing a tender kiss against Buck’s lips, “let’s get you unpacked.”

The two men worked together, finding space in Eddie’s dresser drawers for the things that Buck brought with him. As they finished unpacking his bags, Buck broke the silence. “Bobby invited us over for dinner tonight, I didn’t know if you were feeling up to it?”

“I would love to go, but Chris will be with Abuela tonight. Hopefully, Harry won’t be too disappointed,” Eddie smiled.

**

“Come on in, guys,” Athena greeted, opening the door wider to allow the two men that were waiting on the porch to step inside. As they walked inside, Eddie smiled before embracing Athena, followed by Buck who leaned in for his hug. “Bobby will be out of the kitchen in a minute. Can I get you guys anything to drink while we wait for him to finish up?”

“Just water for me,” Eddie said after a moment, and Buck asked for the same.

“Make yourselves at home, I’ll be right out.” Athena left the room, walking towards the kitchen to get their drinks. 

Buck sat down beside Eddie on the couch, their shoulders touching as Buck looked over at Eddie, who seemed to be lost in his own thoughts. “You feeling alright, man?”

“Yeah, I feel fine,” Eddie assured him, an unreadable expression on his face. “I was just thinking about the last time that we were at Bobby and Athena’s together. And how royally I fucked things up.”

“Eddie…”

“No,” Eddie stopped him, turning his body slightly so that he faced Buck. “You have talked about all of the mistakes that you have made, all of the missteps that you’ve had along the way. You have asked for  _ my _ forgiveness. The reality is, Buck, that you went through so much more than any one person should have to go through. And yeah, after the tsunami you pushed me away, but I handled it so poorly, and I stonewalled you. I was a total jackass.”

“We’re past all of that.”

Buck watched as Eddie ran his hands over his face, clearly needing to say his part. “I-I know you say you’re over it, and I’m glad. But, I just want you to know... I need you to know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you more. I’m sorry that I wasn’t what you needed at the time. I just- I just needed you to actually hear it from me, that I’m sorry about everything from before.”

Buck moved his hand to rest over the top of Eddie’s as he shifted himself closer to Eddie. Buck’s hand covered Eddie’s and laced their fingers together, his thumb moving delicately over the skin beneath. Buck brought their hands up to his lips, kissing the back of Eddie’s hand. 

“I forgive you, Eddie. But I need you to understand something… we have both made our share of mistakes. We’ve both said things we didn’t mean, we’ve both pushed each other away. We were both too stubborn. But, we’re both in such different places than we were a few months ago, and we both realize that we almost lost this before we even had it. We have both apologized, now it’s time to leave all of that in the past. I’d much rather spend our time thinking about our future than dwelling on the past.”

“I really love that idea,” Eddie smiled as Buck pressed a quick kiss against his lips, before letting out a small laugh. “It’s taking Athena a really long time to get two glasses of water.”

“Yeah,” Buck agreed with a laugh as he stood up, sure that Athena had tried bringing out their drinks, and found the two of them deep in conversation. Buck held a hand out for Eddie, which Eddie took without hesitation, following Buck’s lead as they walked toward the kitchen. “Hey, guys…”

“Your drinks are at the table, we’re ready to eat if you two are.” Athena smiled warmly, taking note of the pair’s linked hands. 

“Of course we’re ready, everything smells amazing,” Buck grinned as they stepped into the dining room and sat down. It had been a while since he’d actually been able to sit down for dinner with Bobby and Athena, and if he was being truthful, he really missed it.

“It’s really good to see you up and about,” Bobby said, “how are you feeling?”

Eddie took a few small sips of his water before answering. “I’m doing alright, Cap. I’m definitely not one-hundred percent yet, but I’m working on it. Each day has been a little better, I’m able to do a little more. Having Buck there…” He trailed off slowly, gently grasping Buck’s hand beneath the table. “It’s made all the difference.”

“You’ve both come a really long way,” Bobby said. “I’m really glad you guys were able to mend this. You both deserve to be happy.”

“Help yourselves, boys. Bobby slaved over this all afternoon,” Athena said, scooping a serving of marinated vegetables onto her plate. Her eyes lingered on the two younger men across from the table, before passing the serving dish to Bobby. 

“We really owe you a big  _ thank you, _ Athena. For finally being the force that pushed us together.” Buck said, glancing down at the food on his plate for a moment. He rested his hand comfortably on Eddie’s knee. “I know that I can be a little bit hard-headed at times… but you were able to get through to me. That’s not always an easy task.”

“No thanks necessary, your happiness is more than enough. Besides,” Athena’s eyes slid over to Bobby, a slight arch to her brow. “I have plenty of experience working with hard-headed men.”

“Shots fired!” Eddie laughed with a shake of his head, the others joining in the laughter. 

As Buck looked around at Bobby, Athena, and most of all, Eddie, he reflected on how much things had changed and all that he’d been through. From feeling out of place with Bobby and Athena and the rest of the crew, being estranged from Eddie, having anxiety eat him alive, to that complete breakdown with Bobby. Today, all the hard work he’d put in, the consistent visits with his therapist, finally having that honest conversation with Eddie about them, their issues and his feelings - everything was finally paying off.

Buck couldn’t imagine a better way to spend his evening than being surrounded by three of the people that he loved the most.

**

Eddie crouched down to Christopher’s level, before gently ruffling his curls. “Buck should be home any minute now, okay?” He placed a kiss on top of Christopher’s head before standing upright. Eddie watched as Christopher settled back against the couch, making his way back to the kitchen.

Eddie and Christopher had been preparing since Buck had left the house earlier in the day. When Buck texted him that he was almost done with the errands, he had sent him to run another errand, and then another. Eddie and Christopher spent the better part of the day trying to make things absolutely perfect for when Buck arrived home.

“How are my two favorite boys?” Buck asked as he opened the front door, trying his best to push the door open with his hip, hands full of bags. 

Eddie chuckled as he joined him by the door, Christopher quickly following behind. “Let me help you with those, Buck,” Eddie took the bags from Buck, setting them down. “We’re good.”

“We’ve been busy,” Christopher supplied.

“Oh, yeah? Doing anything fun?” Christopher looked at Eddie quickly before he looked back at Buck.

“No?” Christopher said unsurely, eliciting a laugh out Eddie.

Eddie reached for Buck’s hand. “Do you want to see what we’ve been up to today?”

Buck grinned at them, “Something tells me that I should be scared, but I’m too curious to  _ not _ find out.” 

“Chris, can you lead the way?” Eddie asked.

Eddie and Buck followed behind Christopher, and Buck whispered over to Eddie loudly. “Should I be concerned?” Buck stilled once they walked into the living room, taking in the sight of the large, handmade banner that hung over the back of the couch,  _ Welcome Home Buck _ . The letters were hand drawn and colored in with care, a drawing of a house beside the writing. Buck opened his mouth to speak, but closed it a moment later when no words formed.

“Welcome home, Bucky!” Christopher grinned. “Do you like it?”

“I think Buck needs a second, bud,” Eddie paused, carefully studying Buck. 

“I-I love it, Christopher,” Buck said after a minute, letting go of Eddie’s hand and squatting down to Christopher’s level. “Did you make that?”

“Dad helped  _ a little _ ,” Chris said after a minute, and Buck chuckled, glancing at Eddie.

“Well, you both did a  _ great _ job,” Buck promised, moving to stand upright.

“We got you something, too” Chris made his way over to the couch, grabbing a box and handing it to Buck. Buck moved over to the couch, sitting down so that he could unwrap the present. “The card first,” The boy reminded him. Buck gently picked up the card that sat on top of the box, smiling at the three hand drawn people on the front of the card. 

“I love this card, Chris, so much,” Buck said as Eddie joined him on the couch. “You did a great job.” He flipped open the card, a smile remaining on his lips as he looked at the writing inside,  _ We love you Buck,  _ surrounded by hearts. “This is all so great - what did I do to deserve all of this?”

“You’re our Buck,” Chris answered simply. Buck opened his mouth to say something, but Christopher stopped him, “Open the present.”

Buck obliged, lifting the top of the box, looking down at a picture in a frame. A picture of the three of them, having a lazy weekend a couple weeks before, piled onto the couch together. His thumb gently brushed the letters on the frame,  _ our family _ . “This is…” Buck trailed off, swiping at the tears that slipped down his cheeks. “Amazing. Thank you both,” He managed, “Where are we going to put this?”

“With the others,” Eddie smiled.

“The others?”

“Yeah,” Eddie smiled as he stood up. “The others. We’ll show you.” Eddie stood and waited for Buck, Christopher taking the lead again. The boy stopped at the other side of the living room. Buck hadn’t noticed when he first walked in, but the wall was filled with photos of the three of them. A picture of Christopher when they’d taken him to see Santa last year, a picture of Buck and Christopher from one of their days out at the zoo, pictures of the three of them from dinner at Maddie and Chim’s, and a picture of Eddie and Buck were among them.

Somehow, he had gone from an impossible dream about being a family with Eddie and Chris, of being a family with them during the worst part of his recovery after the tsunami (a time when he had pushed them as far away as he could) to this moment. He now stood in their home, with a heart so full he thought it might burst.

“Our family,” Buck whispered as he looked at the pictures on the wall.  _ His family. _

Eddie took his hand and gently squeezed, “If you’ll have us.”

This was what life was supposed to be. It was imperfect, messy, full of disaster and adversity at times, but facing all of those terrible moments  _ together,  _ instead of struggling alone. In the quiet, in the aftermath of adversity, that was where love was able to shine through its brightest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out the amazing GIF set XJ made [here](https://taxingninja.tumblr.com/post/612785702907904000/rewrite-the-stars) inspired by the end of Rewrite the Stars. Make sure to give him plenty of love!


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